Much prefer to have a Heavy Metal Christmas~
Monday, December 25, 2006
Sunday, December 24, 2006
to be... free
and i shout
freedom
and no one hears a sound
for the voice is been drugged with negativity
that the sound cannot be passed the frozen walls
around the heart it coils in serpent trails
iced
waiting for the day when it breaks out
me
unshelled
freedom
and no one hears a sound
for the voice is been drugged with negativity
that the sound cannot be passed the frozen walls
around the heart it coils in serpent trails
iced
waiting for the day when it breaks out
me
unshelled
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Freedom Liberty and... all out
Limitations, restrictions, cage
Freedom, liberty, out
I want out.
within the cage everything falls in an endless chaos. this and that and that and this. be this and that and that and this. do this and that and that and this.
A friend once said, everyone has an emptiness inside (每個人心中都有一個空白)
I wonder if I have one. Maybe what I have, isn't just an emptiness, but a whole vast of nothingness. A void. A blackhole. A pie without the fillings. An unstuffed lean turkey, stripped to the bones.
Maybe it isn't an emptiness, but a volcano on the edge to explode. Get me out of this cage. Get me out!
the longer the stay prolonged, the deeper the chaos rolls itself out. took me one year to recover from three years of war, how long will it take me now? that the cut is to the bones, the heart is battered out, and the mind is swimming in a duel world of...
reality and unreal
you know that feeling like as if you are always dreaming, like... that your dreams and your realities... they are not separate, but are the same. to look in the world and see it like a dream. to see a phone and not really see it as a phone. it is not a phone, it is merely named a phone... to...wonder where you are because you don't feel your own existence. maybe if you just hide under the blanket, blink your eyes three times, you'll be back in the real world... if there IS a real world.
(blinked... didn't work)
not depressed, for those who worry. just annoyed. very annoyed. not so much at myself anymore either, but more at how stupid the efforts projected didn't work. oh well... get out of here and move on on my own.
freedom libery all out
then... the individual will be able to function in its individually organized way
who the fuck are you to tell me what to think or say?
Freedom, liberty, out
I want out.
within the cage everything falls in an endless chaos. this and that and that and this. be this and that and that and this. do this and that and that and this.
A friend once said, everyone has an emptiness inside (每個人心中都有一個空白)
I wonder if I have one. Maybe what I have, isn't just an emptiness, but a whole vast of nothingness. A void. A blackhole. A pie without the fillings. An unstuffed lean turkey, stripped to the bones.
Maybe it isn't an emptiness, but a volcano on the edge to explode. Get me out of this cage. Get me out!
the longer the stay prolonged, the deeper the chaos rolls itself out. took me one year to recover from three years of war, how long will it take me now? that the cut is to the bones, the heart is battered out, and the mind is swimming in a duel world of...
reality and unreal
you know that feeling like as if you are always dreaming, like... that your dreams and your realities... they are not separate, but are the same. to look in the world and see it like a dream. to see a phone and not really see it as a phone. it is not a phone, it is merely named a phone... to...wonder where you are because you don't feel your own existence. maybe if you just hide under the blanket, blink your eyes three times, you'll be back in the real world... if there IS a real world.
(blinked... didn't work)
not depressed, for those who worry. just annoyed. very annoyed. not so much at myself anymore either, but more at how stupid the efforts projected didn't work. oh well... get out of here and move on on my own.
freedom libery all out
then... the individual will be able to function in its individually organized way
who the fuck are you to tell me what to think or say?
Bittersweet Symphony
The Verve. British band. Still decadent. My first encounter after messing around with YouTube when I should be preping for the class this evening. Sounds like I'll need to rush through the rest of the next few hours. However, the discovery was great, however side-tracked I may be. Not so much the song that caught my fancy, but the darling pictures moving.
Check out the details, Yale, you'll find it thrilling as well.
I trust that you'll find life full of wonders after this MTV. It might have been far more effective than the song itself.
Büch Dich
ja... mein Deutsch nicht gut...
not good enough to understand the lyric of this song, at least... not even close... however... quite a very thrilling MTV.
For all those who are more on the conservative side... uhr... sorry
For those who already knew me quite well... what do you expect, right?
not good enough to understand the lyric of this song, at least... not even close... however... quite a very thrilling MTV.
For all those who are more on the conservative side... uhr... sorry
For those who already knew me quite well... what do you expect, right?
Life Burns & Bittersweet
Sometimes you gotta love YouTube.
Definitely worth looking into. I don't know why, despite most of my friend's odd comments that The Rasmus could barely be counted as "good", I found fascination with songs combining Apocalyptica and The Rasmus. In particularly this song. It does burn a bit.
The making of it, definitely interesting.
Prolly it's because of my perculiar adoration for Finnish boys and Finnish English. Lauri's voice is just.... so... Finn and so... Cute... >< And well... Apocalyptica... don't have to continue that part... :P
Another collaboration (still seeking for more) would be Bittersweet of Lauri, HIM and Apocalyptica. I can already hear Quintin shouting that this is bad taste, but I think we are allowed bad taste every once in awhile. :P
And just to get a bit more wicked. The making of it~~~ nice~~~ Though... didn't expect they actually really had to play the cello upside down.
Okay... I think I've got some infatuation with Finnish people and Germans. @@
Decadent... just look at those Finnish boys... so... decadent...
Seriously, I miss those decadent days...
Definitely worth looking into. I don't know why, despite most of my friend's odd comments that The Rasmus could barely be counted as "good", I found fascination with songs combining Apocalyptica and The Rasmus. In particularly this song. It does burn a bit.
The making of it, definitely interesting.
Prolly it's because of my perculiar adoration for Finnish boys and Finnish English. Lauri's voice is just.... so... Finn and so... Cute... >< And well... Apocalyptica... don't have to continue that part... :P
Another collaboration (still seeking for more) would be Bittersweet of Lauri, HIM and Apocalyptica. I can already hear Quintin shouting that this is bad taste, but I think we are allowed bad taste every once in awhile. :P
And just to get a bit more wicked. The making of it~~~ nice~~~ Though... didn't expect they actually really had to play the cello upside down.
Okay... I think I've got some infatuation with Finnish people and Germans. @@
Decadent... just look at those Finnish boys... so... decadent...
Seriously, I miss those decadent days...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
University Libraries
Feng Chia University Library. How student-i one can feel being back in the library with books surrounding you. Well, also how interesting it is to see the students sitting here and there, working hard for a future very different from their imagination. Then the pretty girls dressed in short skirts and high heels walking around with pretty textbooks folded under their arms... like those American teenage movies we all adore once or twice in our lives. You wonder what they are doing in a library. Actually, if you think about the one place most sociable and memorable in your university years, the library is hard to miss.
--- a travel back in time ---
When I was,.........
For as far as I can remember, the library has been a haven for me. Here, you find tranquality hard to find anywhere else. At home, there's hundreds of sounds, errands, distractions going on at every passing moment. In class there's your bestfriend dragging on about how horrible her relationship is, but how she doesn't want to get herself out of that misery, just yet. There are some people who do equations between fries bites in MacDonald, people who fill in lyrics and rhymes between coffee sips in Starbucks, and people who wonder around but still get good grades in the dark corners of the university (don't know why, they always give me the dark corner impression). But in a library, especially an university library, you always have something a bit more, hum... say... intellectual going on.
Back in the age of Ohio University, I was one of those... uncommon 5th grade guests. We're lucky at Ohio, you don't need a pass to get into the University Library. Actually, in most of the university library I've been to, you don't need a pass to get in. You can even get a library card if you are not in the library. Libraries are made to be used by people, not to be locked up. I remember how I'd always find this particular corner I loved the most in the library and go there empty pockets on a Saturday afternoon and just pick up a book. Sometimes I attempt the impossible of university level non-fictions, but normally I just roam around the young literature section. When you are young, you are reckless. I had the impression that if I persist in reading, I will eventually read all the book in the world. That mission have not been accomplished, and actually have been on halt for many years now. Perhaps another attempt can be made, you know, God said there's a second chance (or did he?).
Three years swam by, and I landed back home, discovering myself in a place where... there's... no... proper... libraries. My idea of a library had always been very organized books, very cozy sofa and couches, very quiet, very cold. You can kind of just scrunch in somewhere in the library, either on the floor or against a wall and cuddle all day and all night long. No one cuddles books here, apparently, or at least I don't know anyone who does other than me. So... I learned to stop.
A year passed and I find myself standing in front of a "real" library one afternoon. Or at least that's what I called the NTU Library after I got home and told my parents about it. I couldn't enter it, much to my dismay, and much to my surprise, but at least I could look at it from the outside. So... I decided I needed to go to NTU. I needed a library.
For the three years I stayed at NTU, the library continued to be a most visited location. Sometimes I skip classes to read in the library, sometimes just to write, sometimes just to relax. Sometimes I stay there until 4 in the morning, sometimes I go there at 6 in the morning. I don't actually live in the library yet, but it certainly was a place where youd find me most. There isn't the huge collections of books I was dreaming of, but there was enough for me, better than what I could find for years since my return from the States. Now, the NTU University Library is really something. I've never seen a library like it. I've seen a lot of libraries, and a lot of students in libraries, but never one like the NTU library. I've always had the impression that libraries were more for visits, however long and however short. They are places you run to for books between classes, place you go study in, place you find inspiration in, etc. The NTU Library... was actually a place... you could live in (Sincerely... you can accomplish a dream of living in books if you go to the NTU Library). Of course, I am not saying everywhere in the library, but on the basement of the library, where there's the sweet smell of wood and light yellow lights, is the studyhall. This study hall lived up to its name as it is always cramped with students from all departments and all grades. Aside from the fact that it looks sometimes a little bit like a very big "supermarket" of students... or... a factory of reports and papers... with rows and rows of wooden desks and lamps, it was quite a place to be in. So much of a nice place that quite often people refuse to leave it. Hence, there will be sits here and there where you will find desks filled with notes, with blankets, pillows, stacks of books, etc. all over the place. Now, that's something worth remembering. :P
My favorite library, however, is the library of humanitarians at the University of Helsinki. Well, it's also my favorite school so far in my studies. The degree of freedom, the madness of the students, all very appealing for me. This particular library sits towards the ends of the spread out school in the center of Helsinki. On the second floor of this library is the American / British Literature section, that's where you'd most likely find me. :) For about a semester's time I cramped up there quite often with the huge wooden table (again... wood) studying Hemingway (with lacking information, unfortunately~). I chose a tricky topic... between Hemingway's real-life and his fictional-life with just about a handful of information to work with. I chose to talk about Hemingway's character in a way different from most papers (trust me, not a good idea to go too innovative sometimes). In the library, there was always inspiration waiting. There was a windown that went from top of the building to the bottom, and sitting next to the window, you can see the streets below (no buildings are allowed to be talled than the trees in Helsinki, so you can see everything). Right outside is a tiny garden between Kaisaniemenk and Fabirinkatu (I think). A hourse stands on the garden next to a tree. Here you can see the change of the season, the people coming and passing... Sometimes it feels just like a fantasy world, sitting there, looking out the window, feeling the live all around you in a place as cold as Finland. You'd watch the students walking on the street and wondering what they are talking about. Are they wondering about their future? Are they indulged in a discussion about existentialism? Maybe about nazism? Maybe about morality? Maybe about culture? Maybe about how horrible the food is at the UniCafe? Maybe complaining about Finland and at the same time being extremely patriotic to the nation? Then you see the people all around you with stack of books, tediously reading through each one, copying down the parts they want, memorizing the important points. It's a beautiful library, small, but compacted and comfortable.
---
Sitting in the hard chair at the Feng Chai University Library, I find myself missing a really beautiful library. This library is really nice, nicely temperated, nicely built, but still missing that special something, that certain smell the perfect library has.
Still looking, for that perfect library somewhere to be...
--- a travel back in time ---
When I was,.........
For as far as I can remember, the library has been a haven for me. Here, you find tranquality hard to find anywhere else. At home, there's hundreds of sounds, errands, distractions going on at every passing moment. In class there's your bestfriend dragging on about how horrible her relationship is, but how she doesn't want to get herself out of that misery, just yet. There are some people who do equations between fries bites in MacDonald, people who fill in lyrics and rhymes between coffee sips in Starbucks, and people who wonder around but still get good grades in the dark corners of the university (don't know why, they always give me the dark corner impression). But in a library, especially an university library, you always have something a bit more, hum... say... intellectual going on.
Back in the age of Ohio University, I was one of those... uncommon 5th grade guests. We're lucky at Ohio, you don't need a pass to get into the University Library. Actually, in most of the university library I've been to, you don't need a pass to get in. You can even get a library card if you are not in the library. Libraries are made to be used by people, not to be locked up. I remember how I'd always find this particular corner I loved the most in the library and go there empty pockets on a Saturday afternoon and just pick up a book. Sometimes I attempt the impossible of university level non-fictions, but normally I just roam around the young literature section. When you are young, you are reckless. I had the impression that if I persist in reading, I will eventually read all the book in the world. That mission have not been accomplished, and actually have been on halt for many years now. Perhaps another attempt can be made, you know, God said there's a second chance (or did he?).
Three years swam by, and I landed back home, discovering myself in a place where... there's... no... proper... libraries. My idea of a library had always been very organized books, very cozy sofa and couches, very quiet, very cold. You can kind of just scrunch in somewhere in the library, either on the floor or against a wall and cuddle all day and all night long. No one cuddles books here, apparently, or at least I don't know anyone who does other than me. So... I learned to stop.
A year passed and I find myself standing in front of a "real" library one afternoon. Or at least that's what I called the NTU Library after I got home and told my parents about it. I couldn't enter it, much to my dismay, and much to my surprise, but at least I could look at it from the outside. So... I decided I needed to go to NTU. I needed a library.
For the three years I stayed at NTU, the library continued to be a most visited location. Sometimes I skip classes to read in the library, sometimes just to write, sometimes just to relax. Sometimes I stay there until 4 in the morning, sometimes I go there at 6 in the morning. I don't actually live in the library yet, but it certainly was a place where youd find me most. There isn't the huge collections of books I was dreaming of, but there was enough for me, better than what I could find for years since my return from the States. Now, the NTU University Library is really something. I've never seen a library like it. I've seen a lot of libraries, and a lot of students in libraries, but never one like the NTU library. I've always had the impression that libraries were more for visits, however long and however short. They are places you run to for books between classes, place you go study in, place you find inspiration in, etc. The NTU Library... was actually a place... you could live in (Sincerely... you can accomplish a dream of living in books if you go to the NTU Library). Of course, I am not saying everywhere in the library, but on the basement of the library, where there's the sweet smell of wood and light yellow lights, is the studyhall. This study hall lived up to its name as it is always cramped with students from all departments and all grades. Aside from the fact that it looks sometimes a little bit like a very big "supermarket" of students... or... a factory of reports and papers... with rows and rows of wooden desks and lamps, it was quite a place to be in. So much of a nice place that quite often people refuse to leave it. Hence, there will be sits here and there where you will find desks filled with notes, with blankets, pillows, stacks of books, etc. all over the place. Now, that's something worth remembering. :P
My favorite library, however, is the library of humanitarians at the University of Helsinki. Well, it's also my favorite school so far in my studies. The degree of freedom, the madness of the students, all very appealing for me. This particular library sits towards the ends of the spread out school in the center of Helsinki. On the second floor of this library is the American / British Literature section, that's where you'd most likely find me. :) For about a semester's time I cramped up there quite often with the huge wooden table (again... wood) studying Hemingway (with lacking information, unfortunately~). I chose a tricky topic... between Hemingway's real-life and his fictional-life with just about a handful of information to work with. I chose to talk about Hemingway's character in a way different from most papers (trust me, not a good idea to go too innovative sometimes). In the library, there was always inspiration waiting. There was a windown that went from top of the building to the bottom, and sitting next to the window, you can see the streets below (no buildings are allowed to be talled than the trees in Helsinki, so you can see everything). Right outside is a tiny garden between Kaisaniemenk and Fabirinkatu (I think). A hourse stands on the garden next to a tree. Here you can see the change of the season, the people coming and passing... Sometimes it feels just like a fantasy world, sitting there, looking out the window, feeling the live all around you in a place as cold as Finland. You'd watch the students walking on the street and wondering what they are talking about. Are they wondering about their future? Are they indulged in a discussion about existentialism? Maybe about nazism? Maybe about morality? Maybe about culture? Maybe about how horrible the food is at the UniCafe? Maybe complaining about Finland and at the same time being extremely patriotic to the nation? Then you see the people all around you with stack of books, tediously reading through each one, copying down the parts they want, memorizing the important points. It's a beautiful library, small, but compacted and comfortable.
---
Sitting in the hard chair at the Feng Chai University Library, I find myself missing a really beautiful library. This library is really nice, nicely temperated, nicely built, but still missing that special something, that certain smell the perfect library has.
Still looking, for that perfect library somewhere to be...
Monday, December 11, 2006
What happend if you google "Heavy Metal"
Click... so goes google... :P
But what happens when you click "Heavy Metal" onto google?
As we all know, google will never give you what you want first... grrr
http://www.heavymetal.com/
So say the God Google. He spit out the link, and the website is opened. Just from the name straight, would have thought that I must have hit a jack-pot... Comparing it with the website, somehow I feel I am in the wrong place. Taking a closer look, it's a magazine (adult fantasy) or comic (confused... a bit) or animation (even more confused now)... of adult fantasy graphic art. Nice art, actually... I used to really adore this type of art as a child (actually, I still do)... and very tempting for men, I guess... @@
http://www.heavymetaluniverse.com/home.php
WOW! That's more like it... unfortunately... no Nu Metal or Industrial... maybe I should click for Nu Metal or Industrial next time.
http://www.hardradio.com/hr3.html
Now, this looks promising and quite... informative.
http://www.hardradio.com/hr3.html
Rock into the hardmusic section, and suddenly this website is on my top ten list. :P
http://www.anus.com/metal/about/history.html
My favorite find is probably this. A "thesis" on metal music. This, is definitely what I'm looking for~ A more scholarly approach. :P
But what happens when you click "Heavy Metal" onto google?
As we all know, google will never give you what you want first... grrr
http://www.heavymetal.com/
So say the God Google. He spit out the link, and the website is opened. Just from the name straight, would have thought that I must have hit a jack-pot... Comparing it with the website, somehow I feel I am in the wrong place. Taking a closer look, it's a magazine (adult fantasy) or comic (confused... a bit) or animation (even more confused now)... of adult fantasy graphic art. Nice art, actually... I used to really adore this type of art as a child (actually, I still do)... and very tempting for men, I guess... @@
http://www.heavymetaluniverse.com/home.php
WOW! That's more like it... unfortunately... no Nu Metal or Industrial... maybe I should click for Nu Metal or Industrial next time.
http://www.hardradio.com/hr3.html
Now, this looks promising and quite... informative.
http://www.hardradio.com/hr3.html
Rock into the hardmusic section, and suddenly this website is on my top ten list. :P
http://www.anus.com/metal/about/history.html
My favorite find is probably this. A "thesis" on metal music. This, is definitely what I'm looking for~ A more scholarly approach. :P
奇怪的人 Odd People
世界上奇怪的人很多～
很厲害的人也很多～
我～～～要更強～
我～～～要更厲害～
我～～～要在我的領域裡闖出一片天～
---
There's plenty of Odd ppl in the world
Plenty of powerful ppl in the world
I want to be more stronger
Be more powerful
Break a new world into this field
很厲害的人也很多～
我～～～要更強～
我～～～要更厲害～
我～～～要在我的領域裡闖出一片天～
---
There's plenty of Odd ppl in the world
Plenty of powerful ppl in the world
I want to be more stronger
Be more powerful
Break a new world into this field
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Focus
being focused and persistant with things definitely is not one of my strong points. however, that is the very requirement of the present world for anyone to be "anything" at all. what my dream once was, to become an amazing writer, now, i am not so convinced. what is an amazing writer who cannot support herself?
or perhaps, as many have told me, what is an amazing writer who rarely dares to show her actual work? okay... maybe the upcoming focus should be to make a change of that...
---
there really is such a thing as 報應... when you do something bad, it definitely comes back to you, no matter if you did it full hearted, or without much thought. when we are children, we are allowed a certain degree of freedom to make mistakes, but once we are grown, that is no longer acceptable. what's in the past is in the past, leave it in the past... that is all...
---
sophistication. Fei once commented on me as being a sophisticated girl. i suppose that would be one of my biggest attractions. yet, sophistication comes with a price, the the price is normally not too small...
had a nightmare of Roger, and finally realized how I felt about the whole relationship... a nightmare, a nightmare i've been trying to wake up from for a long time, and i think i am lucky that i did... it's something i wish would stay in the dark corner of my mind and not haunt me anymore... i paid a very big price for this lesson, a very very big price.
---
but then, i am also lucky
because of these things, i learned to cherish what i have now~ :) the joy i have now, however distant it is~ however far~
or perhaps, as many have told me, what is an amazing writer who rarely dares to show her actual work? okay... maybe the upcoming focus should be to make a change of that...
---
there really is such a thing as 報應... when you do something bad, it definitely comes back to you, no matter if you did it full hearted, or without much thought. when we are children, we are allowed a certain degree of freedom to make mistakes, but once we are grown, that is no longer acceptable. what's in the past is in the past, leave it in the past... that is all...
---
sophistication. Fei once commented on me as being a sophisticated girl. i suppose that would be one of my biggest attractions. yet, sophistication comes with a price, the the price is normally not too small...
had a nightmare of Roger, and finally realized how I felt about the whole relationship... a nightmare, a nightmare i've been trying to wake up from for a long time, and i think i am lucky that i did... it's something i wish would stay in the dark corner of my mind and not haunt me anymore... i paid a very big price for this lesson, a very very big price.
---
but then, i am also lucky
because of these things, i learned to cherish what i have now~ :) the joy i have now, however distant it is~ however far~
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Missing Finland
Daily, I miss FInland. I think, I've never found a place I felt more belonging, a place more free than that land. The vastness, the distance, the freedom. Listening to the old musics in my computer, music from Finlandia times, the time when I sat facing the forest, with the dews still fresh on the leaves. The time when looking out I could see nature at its full display. The time of Barclay and the evening sun. The time of isolation, the time of self-realization, the time of self-understanding. Sometimes you need to be away from something to understand something. Here in a world where communal life is over-emphasized, the crowd is endlessly crushing in, I can finally really appreciate and understand that sense of freedom in Finland. I want, and desire to slowly gain back the freedom, the freedom to decide on my own what I want, where to go, what to become.
--
We can blame no one for who we are, what we have done, where we will be.
--
When will Finland come back to me?
--
We can blame no one for who we are, what we have done, where we will be.
--
When will Finland come back to me?
US plans permanent base on Moon
Imagine this. US planning permanent base on the MOON!!!!!!
Imagine more! Is this science fiction coming true?
Where are we going with this? Goodness sakes! WOW! :)
I wish I will be up there some day, or at MARS. Just somewhere away, far faraway. Maybe there'll be some freedom out there, far in the distance someday.
Imagine more! Is this science fiction coming true?
Where are we going with this? Goodness sakes! WOW! :)
I wish I will be up there some day, or at MARS. Just somewhere away, far faraway. Maybe there'll be some freedom out there, far in the distance someday.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Ashes to Life, a Pheonix's Turn
They say that the star sign of Scorpio symbolizes the life cycle of a Pheonix. That beautiful creature which is know to forever burn, like a fire that never dies, until to ashes it turns, then from the ashes comes new life. There's also another saying that the Pheonix grows more and more beautiful in each turn, each wheel of fortune, it grows lovely new feathers. It's one of the most fascinating creatures of the ancient myths, and a definite favorite for me, right after the dangerous but loving Scorpions.
When I was a child, I had a dream. In this dream, there was a man. He was special, but he was dangerous all the same. Sometimes we have problems separating dreams and realities, but then, sometimes it's okay that way. His hair was long and dark, like the night, a jet black. His pose was strong and tall, like a statue that never falls. His complexion was calm and gentle, but still stern and strong. He had a braide that never fell apart, and his hair was like Scorpion's tail, for he was Scorpio, the Prince of another world (that was a fantastic dream, btw). He in turn came and came and came to my dreams. First as the bad man, then his position changed. He had his reasons for being as he was, he wasn't mean because he was bad in the core, he was serious and strict because he wanted what is the best for everyone else. In my first dream he nearly killed another man, a more charming man who had everyone's adoration, during a competition for the hand of the princess (and of course, in my dream, that would be me~ duh~). The charmer of course lost the competition, but as it turned out, he was not charming for no reason, he had his ambitions in this world, and they are not necessarily good.
(How did I get here?)
Like a Scorpion, calm and cool, but like a Pheonix, burning in the heart. Ashes to life, a Pheonix's turn. Always disciplined, always strict, always with rules, but not lacking the passion to accomplish what they started, even if it means to drown in an ever lasting death-life cycle.
---
That was back in November. Here's the December part of the story.
Part of the drive is gone. Replacing it, is a persistance to accomplish something, even a minor something. Just finish one thing, then carry on to the other, and eventually things will pile together. No more fantasies. Let face the realities.
Burned to ashes, entirely and literately. Suffocated, dying, drying up like a piece of cloth put by the fire.
Will I rise again like the great Pheonix, the figure representing Scorpio? A very important representation of my constellations?
When I was a child, I had a dream. In this dream, there was a man. He was special, but he was dangerous all the same. Sometimes we have problems separating dreams and realities, but then, sometimes it's okay that way. His hair was long and dark, like the night, a jet black. His pose was strong and tall, like a statue that never falls. His complexion was calm and gentle, but still stern and strong. He had a braide that never fell apart, and his hair was like Scorpion's tail, for he was Scorpio, the Prince of another world (that was a fantastic dream, btw). He in turn came and came and came to my dreams. First as the bad man, then his position changed. He had his reasons for being as he was, he wasn't mean because he was bad in the core, he was serious and strict because he wanted what is the best for everyone else. In my first dream he nearly killed another man, a more charming man who had everyone's adoration, during a competition for the hand of the princess (and of course, in my dream, that would be me~ duh~). The charmer of course lost the competition, but as it turned out, he was not charming for no reason, he had his ambitions in this world, and they are not necessarily good.
(How did I get here?)
Like a Scorpion, calm and cool, but like a Pheonix, burning in the heart. Ashes to life, a Pheonix's turn. Always disciplined, always strict, always with rules, but not lacking the passion to accomplish what they started, even if it means to drown in an ever lasting death-life cycle.
---
That was back in November. Here's the December part of the story.
Part of the drive is gone. Replacing it, is a persistance to accomplish something, even a minor something. Just finish one thing, then carry on to the other, and eventually things will pile together. No more fantasies. Let face the realities.
Burned to ashes, entirely and literately. Suffocated, dying, drying up like a piece of cloth put by the fire.
Will I rise again like the great Pheonix, the figure representing Scorpio? A very important representation of my constellations?
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Reality
I see the problem loud and clear now, why I feel so lost.
I left my reality somewhere else, my heart isn't here with me. My heart is out there, all over the place. Just not here on this little island anymore. My reality isn't here, so for me, this place isn't real. To adapt to a place that isn't real isn't easy, that is a problem. Or more like, it is the city that isn't real, as it is a city I've barely ever lived in, and definitely never travelled around in. I live in circles, Home, work, school. How am I to establish a reality so?
Then all my friends are away, faraway, only connected by the Internet. If there's no one for me to physically touch and speak to here, how is my reality to be here? I am isolated, too much over-worked to be able to do anything else.
That is the issue at hand to be solved. To get out (I say this every time I am here) to get there (Finland, Germany, US) to get back to what is real to me. To get myself out of a misty nightmare/dream.
I left my reality somewhere else, my heart isn't here with me. My heart is out there, all over the place. Just not here on this little island anymore. My reality isn't here, so for me, this place isn't real. To adapt to a place that isn't real isn't easy, that is a problem. Or more like, it is the city that isn't real, as it is a city I've barely ever lived in, and definitely never travelled around in. I live in circles, Home, work, school. How am I to establish a reality so?
Then all my friends are away, faraway, only connected by the Internet. If there's no one for me to physically touch and speak to here, how is my reality to be here? I am isolated, too much over-worked to be able to do anything else.
That is the issue at hand to be solved. To get out (I say this every time I am here) to get there (Finland, Germany, US) to get back to what is real to me. To get myself out of a misty nightmare/dream.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
Paradise Lost
Let's see if my horrible attempt at the computer world which I am least familiar with (perhaps only comparible with the business world) will suffice at least enough for me to prompt myself into studying it with more confidence than I would should I be pealing an egg under 1 minute (can never make them look... whole, for that matter). My and my vanity needs reconfirmations every now and then. Better now than then.
Paradise Lost. What a most appropriete title for an article on this blog. The first thing that might have popped into you fellas' head when reading this ambigious title on my board is a direct link to John Milton, who's Paradise Lost I once praised as high quality pornography of the 1600s. (For those at NTU, I certainly now regret not being a studen of Michael Keaton, we would have made quite a teacher/student pair. For those not from NTU, you would have expected for me to say that anyways.) Despite all expectations, I must fail you all this once again. Of course, it won't necessarily be "Forever Failure", but then, I do tend to fail people's expectations for the hell of it.
Born in 1988, in the city of Helifax (Quite interesting city, actually... ) They were considered (or so says the internet sources) as the start of "death/doom" metal. Well... I do have to say some of their tunes... really sound... depressing. But then, I don't know that much about them. I'm new at metal... (that's why I am writing this... to try to build up my own little information bank concerning METAL). They are also considered the start of "Gothic Metal" <-- now, this... is what went around Finland, right? All the... "Goths" (Come to think of it, my first childhood relationship was with a guy who was a "GOTH"... I was destined for Metal all my life... :P)
Paradise Lost is a Metal Band (if you haven't figured this part out,... hit yourself once). I apparently found them quite favorable (if you haven't found that out... hit yourself twice). They started out back in the 80s, and is still producing this day (last Album would be... 2006... this year... :P). Come to think of it, I actually had thought of buying them when I was in Finland cuz the cover of their newest album was just... gorgeous! But didn't, cuz... u know how much albums cost in Finland.
Vocal Nick Holmes has a rather... coarse voice (okay, maybe my hearing impairment) but I guess that's what he's aiming for, a very... booming voice. Deep... and booming... makes you think of deserts, or graves, actually... or at least it made me think of deserts and graves. Yet, in some songs he's got a clear voice. A rather high voice. High and... clean. Clean and smooth... like cold water running.
I found this MV online (YouTube) which was commented as a must see. After seeing it, I kind of get why it's a must see. The way it was made, it's... so... depressing that it nearly dragged me right back into the future of my graves. Especially the moments when Holmes was burried into the ground alive. Precisely the sensation given to us by the present day world. Suffocating. I felt as if I was the one being burried.
While I was looking through wikipedia (lovely place) for information on Paradise Lost (determined to study METAL) :P I can across something equally interesting... Necrophilia. I've always had a very perversing interest for very perversing topics. It is probably most clear in my writing and stories. The general comment is, "Naomi, I like your writings, but... they're just kind of weird." I read about this serial murder called Christies (his name is definitely too long) during the 1940's/50's in Helifax, England. He was abused as a child, and grew to relate sexual feelings with corpses. In fact, he was impotent with most women, except those he can gain total control over. He would strangle women either during sex or before sex. It is very disgusting, I admit, but it also makes me interested in what's going on in his head, why he became like that and how he felt like when doing what he did.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Down and Up
Picking life back up together from where I fell.
And I fell hard, smack. All the way back to ground zero, just like the day I arrived in the States. The first exam I took back in Taiwan. The first time I met Alexia.
Straight back to ground zero, straight from unmoving confidents to absolute doubt of self. Straight from one reality to another, two side of a flipping coin. This was a hard fall, and again I am faced with the same question, what to do, how to recover?
For a week I sulked, I sulked horribly. I took it out on everyone and anyone who came across my path. I dreaded everything, and I was frightened to the core. Ivo took most of it, then my family took the rest, then a last, but most poisonest drop, straight into my soul. Poison is intoxicating, and once taken, its addictive makes it hard for people to climb out of it. Yet, maybe that's the one thing I can be proud of myself about, I never die, I shrug and then I say, I'll do better.
When I first arrived in the States, they wanted to put me in the mental retarded class. Considering the fact that I knew absolutely nothing, had hearing problems, and definitely answered the wrong answer when someone asked me what my name was, it was easy to assume so. At that time, however, I didn't care, I assumed myself as a genius despite other's opinions, and refused their special offer. Call it child prodigy if you may, I aced math (they were learning subtraction, and I did that in kindergarten), and then got N/A for everything else. It's a wonder I got passed third grade (the second time) and moved on to fourth. At least I managed to write a play, directed it, and differentiated he/she/I/me/them/it before I left my third grade classroom. Oh, and I infected the whole school with the disease of calling everyone "freaks" in Chinese, cuz they thought it was the way Chinese people said hi to each other. Well... the last I would see of them... :P
By the time I was leaving the States, I've built up quite a confidence, maybe a little too much confidence, as an "acer". Those were the good old days, when I literately "aced" everything, straight through sixth and seventh grade. Got enrolled in eighthgrade art class, and was proclaimed by my sixth grade teacher as her favorite student (and do please be amazed that I haven't been in contact with her... for ages). Okay, Taiwan next. If there is a God, he has a way with people. He would never let you have your fill of glory and then walk off happy. At the height of every one of your success, he's going to click a switch and throw you right back in hell. Of course, you're the one who defines hell, and, well... I never really liked heaven that much either... :P
The first exam I had when I got back to Taiwan, do mind that I was enrolled (with my previous grades as proof) in the best class of one of the best middle school in Taichung. That's pretty good for a start, a classful of students who aces everything. I got 25 in math, and a talk with the Chinese teacher (instead of a grade, cuz I simply weren't "gradable"), then I don't want to talk about the rest.... My math... was prehistoric, compared to the rest of the class... and my grade... exotic to my fellow students. There were actually even talks of whether or not I should be placed into the easiest class in the whole school... (AGAIN!) Along with my tendencies of acting different, rather un-understandable (no, I'm not trying to create new "un-existing" words like BUSH), odd... and sometimes extremely idiotic (laughing out loud, running into walls and doors cuz of balance problems, hard of hearing... etc.) it is again understandable that my fellow students would have those reactions. Yet, as a kid, we don't sulk, we see a problem and we find a solution... so... I decided to ace it. I hate it when people think of me less than who I think of myself, and I do think quite a lot of myself... I'm very narcissist, you know... At least up to the point of acting idiotic... that, I have major problems with. Got into the second best high school in town, won an English speech contest (yes, other contestants also had the same English abilities)...
I have a way of starting low, and then slowly grow. I'm a grower, not a glower. When I got into NTU (with everyone's owe!), I was as proud as heck. You can call me an arrogant bastard, but I had my reasons for most of it. English related classes were never hard for me, classes were never hard for me, as a matter of fact. People were my problems, and laziness was another. I was too proud, too proud to work hard at all. Until I met Alexia. She was something different, someone who wasn't just a grower, but also a glower. Next to her, I was a grass, and her the beautiful flower, and again I was deep down in the pits, and this time, a very deep one. One I can't say I've grown entirely out of, but I've grown to see it differently. She had her beauty, but I had mine. We are beautiful in different ways.
For years, I've been bitter. Since university, I've been rather bitter. It got considerably worse during the first month of my work in Taiwan. I disliked everything, and I definitely disliked everything. This is probably the biggest fall in my life, because I never really climb out of it. I just fell back every time I meet an obstacle, since Alexia, I've just been falling and falling and falling back. Part of me gave up on trying, part of me was just frightened.
I watched a movie today about a girl who never lets anyone close to her enough to hurt her. Not really hurt her. I believe that was a comment I had from one of my former boyfriend. Actually, more than one of my former boyfriend. I am not a very persistant person, and when I get bored, I want to change. I never open my heart, hence I always end up surprising people. My psych friends calls me the most unpredictable person they know. And anyone who thinks they know me well normally will end up thinking they were wrong. No one knew me, even my own mother. Not because no one wanted to, I am sure many people wanted to. But, I never let anyone in. If I want to think of the most touching moment of my life, it goes all the way back to when I was seven years old. When I think of the time when I genuinely cared about people, that was still when I was seven years old. Since I start moving around the world (grrrr) I've been locking myself up. I react as people expects for me to react, as how I believe my roommates would expect of me (my famous phrase being, "I had to cry, because she came in expecting me to be crying").
They say when you fall deep deep down, God would give you a hand if you really want it, and bring you back up. At the beginning of my trip around Europe, I prayed to God. Well, I prayed to God to find me a lovely German guy (typical Naomi) who would be willing to follow me around the world, someone who'd make me stop and think about my heart, my life, my everything. Someone I'd listen to, someone I'd follow, someone I'd give in to. Someone light haired and German. It's funny how life is. Maybe God does exist...
--
Maybe God does exist... Ivo Harms...
--
Back to the ups and downs... Here is a reason for me to be up for, a reason for myself. It's not something someone expects of me, nor is it some unrealistic dream to conquer the world. It's simple, and it's relatively quite average, but it is real. It is something really worthy to think about, something about what I really want in my life. So, from here on, it's going to go up, not quickly, not madly, just gently and slowly. At an even pace. I don't know how yet, I don't even know why, but I know it's going to go up...
Like my horoscope says... I am like a firebird, I am born of the ashes... And each time, the brighter I burn again...
And I fell hard, smack. All the way back to ground zero, just like the day I arrived in the States. The first exam I took back in Taiwan. The first time I met Alexia.
Straight back to ground zero, straight from unmoving confidents to absolute doubt of self. Straight from one reality to another, two side of a flipping coin. This was a hard fall, and again I am faced with the same question, what to do, how to recover?
For a week I sulked, I sulked horribly. I took it out on everyone and anyone who came across my path. I dreaded everything, and I was frightened to the core. Ivo took most of it, then my family took the rest, then a last, but most poisonest drop, straight into my soul. Poison is intoxicating, and once taken, its addictive makes it hard for people to climb out of it. Yet, maybe that's the one thing I can be proud of myself about, I never die, I shrug and then I say, I'll do better.
When I first arrived in the States, they wanted to put me in the mental retarded class. Considering the fact that I knew absolutely nothing, had hearing problems, and definitely answered the wrong answer when someone asked me what my name was, it was easy to assume so. At that time, however, I didn't care, I assumed myself as a genius despite other's opinions, and refused their special offer. Call it child prodigy if you may, I aced math (they were learning subtraction, and I did that in kindergarten), and then got N/A for everything else. It's a wonder I got passed third grade (the second time) and moved on to fourth. At least I managed to write a play, directed it, and differentiated he/she/I/me/them/it before I left my third grade classroom. Oh, and I infected the whole school with the disease of calling everyone "freaks" in Chinese, cuz they thought it was the way Chinese people said hi to each other. Well... the last I would see of them... :P
By the time I was leaving the States, I've built up quite a confidence, maybe a little too much confidence, as an "acer". Those were the good old days, when I literately "aced" everything, straight through sixth and seventh grade. Got enrolled in eighthgrade art class, and was proclaimed by my sixth grade teacher as her favorite student (and do please be amazed that I haven't been in contact with her... for ages). Okay, Taiwan next. If there is a God, he has a way with people. He would never let you have your fill of glory and then walk off happy. At the height of every one of your success, he's going to click a switch and throw you right back in hell. Of course, you're the one who defines hell, and, well... I never really liked heaven that much either... :P
The first exam I had when I got back to Taiwan, do mind that I was enrolled (with my previous grades as proof) in the best class of one of the best middle school in Taichung. That's pretty good for a start, a classful of students who aces everything. I got 25 in math, and a talk with the Chinese teacher (instead of a grade, cuz I simply weren't "gradable"), then I don't want to talk about the rest.... My math... was prehistoric, compared to the rest of the class... and my grade... exotic to my fellow students. There were actually even talks of whether or not I should be placed into the easiest class in the whole school... (AGAIN!) Along with my tendencies of acting different, rather un-understandable (no, I'm not trying to create new "un-existing" words like BUSH), odd... and sometimes extremely idiotic (laughing out loud, running into walls and doors cuz of balance problems, hard of hearing... etc.) it is again understandable that my fellow students would have those reactions. Yet, as a kid, we don't sulk, we see a problem and we find a solution... so... I decided to ace it. I hate it when people think of me less than who I think of myself, and I do think quite a lot of myself... I'm very narcissist, you know... At least up to the point of acting idiotic... that, I have major problems with. Got into the second best high school in town, won an English speech contest (yes, other contestants also had the same English abilities)...
I have a way of starting low, and then slowly grow. I'm a grower, not a glower. When I got into NTU (with everyone's owe!), I was as proud as heck. You can call me an arrogant bastard, but I had my reasons for most of it. English related classes were never hard for me, classes were never hard for me, as a matter of fact. People were my problems, and laziness was another. I was too proud, too proud to work hard at all. Until I met Alexia. She was something different, someone who wasn't just a grower, but also a glower. Next to her, I was a grass, and her the beautiful flower, and again I was deep down in the pits, and this time, a very deep one. One I can't say I've grown entirely out of, but I've grown to see it differently. She had her beauty, but I had mine. We are beautiful in different ways.
For years, I've been bitter. Since university, I've been rather bitter. It got considerably worse during the first month of my work in Taiwan. I disliked everything, and I definitely disliked everything. This is probably the biggest fall in my life, because I never really climb out of it. I just fell back every time I meet an obstacle, since Alexia, I've just been falling and falling and falling back. Part of me gave up on trying, part of me was just frightened.
I watched a movie today about a girl who never lets anyone close to her enough to hurt her. Not really hurt her. I believe that was a comment I had from one of my former boyfriend. Actually, more than one of my former boyfriend. I am not a very persistant person, and when I get bored, I want to change. I never open my heart, hence I always end up surprising people. My psych friends calls me the most unpredictable person they know. And anyone who thinks they know me well normally will end up thinking they were wrong. No one knew me, even my own mother. Not because no one wanted to, I am sure many people wanted to. But, I never let anyone in. If I want to think of the most touching moment of my life, it goes all the way back to when I was seven years old. When I think of the time when I genuinely cared about people, that was still when I was seven years old. Since I start moving around the world (grrrr) I've been locking myself up. I react as people expects for me to react, as how I believe my roommates would expect of me (my famous phrase being, "I had to cry, because she came in expecting me to be crying").
They say when you fall deep deep down, God would give you a hand if you really want it, and bring you back up. At the beginning of my trip around Europe, I prayed to God. Well, I prayed to God to find me a lovely German guy (typical Naomi) who would be willing to follow me around the world, someone who'd make me stop and think about my heart, my life, my everything. Someone I'd listen to, someone I'd follow, someone I'd give in to. Someone light haired and German. It's funny how life is. Maybe God does exist...
--
Maybe God does exist... Ivo Harms...
--
Back to the ups and downs... Here is a reason for me to be up for, a reason for myself. It's not something someone expects of me, nor is it some unrealistic dream to conquer the world. It's simple, and it's relatively quite average, but it is real. It is something really worthy to think about, something about what I really want in my life. So, from here on, it's going to go up, not quickly, not madly, just gently and slowly. At an even pace. I don't know how yet, I don't even know why, but I know it's going to go up...
Like my horoscope says... I am like a firebird, I am born of the ashes... And each time, the brighter I burn again...
Friday, November 03, 2006
Desparation
Just a little higher, just a little closer.
When will the emptiness be gone? When will my soul rest?
When will my tears stop to flow? When will my eyes dry?
When will I feel the reality again? Instead of just the untouchable fantasies.
Time goes by so slow. Just so slow.
When will the emptiness be gone? When will my soul rest?
When will my tears stop to flow? When will my eyes dry?
When will I feel the reality again? Instead of just the untouchable fantasies.
Time goes by so slow. Just so slow.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Expectations
At work, boss' expectations
At home, family's expectations
Online, boyfriend's expectations
Read an article about living under the social expectations, how that pressure of it is making life for the middle class so hard. I've already, in my own value and understanding, jumped my own mind set out of that expectation.
Yet... Although I doin't desire anything but to live freely and with quality (lower desires... high qualities), although I don't care much for the social "expectations" or "value" of what it means to be successful... I live in the world of parents' expectations... parents' values... What they think is successful, what is not...
Where is myself in the story now? It's all about what everyone else wants, and how I have to make these things seem like what I want or else I'll disappoint or hurt someone.
I'm so tired I no longer know what vacation is like anymore, I don't even know what weekend is like... I don't even know what I really want anymore... Who cares anyways, right?
The world doesn't revolve around you... just that you're the only person who actually thinks that...
At home, family's expectations
Online, boyfriend's expectations
Read an article about living under the social expectations, how that pressure of it is making life for the middle class so hard. I've already, in my own value and understanding, jumped my own mind set out of that expectation.
Yet... Although I doin't desire anything but to live freely and with quality (lower desires... high qualities), although I don't care much for the social "expectations" or "value" of what it means to be successful... I live in the world of parents' expectations... parents' values... What they think is successful, what is not...
Where is myself in the story now? It's all about what everyone else wants, and how I have to make these things seem like what I want or else I'll disappoint or hurt someone.
I'm so tired I no longer know what vacation is like anymore, I don't even know what weekend is like... I don't even know what I really want anymore... Who cares anyways, right?
The world doesn't revolve around you... just that you're the only person who actually thinks that...
Employment Rates
Now... What is the problem with many small / medium sized companies in Taiwan?
They have a high employee change rate. Hence... Since we all know we will not be in the company for a long time, we lack the desire to "go at it with our best" and definitely a lack to "make modifications" for the company.
Another is that most employers do not want to let go of their power, the power let down to employees are low, hence, at many times the employees feels the lack of ability to make their own decisions, or make their own suggestions.
They have a high employee change rate. Hence... Since we all know we will not be in the company for a long time, we lack the desire to "go at it with our best" and definitely a lack to "make modifications" for the company.
Another is that most employers do not want to let go of their power, the power let down to employees are low, hence, at many times the employees feels the lack of ability to make their own decisions, or make their own suggestions.
Monday, October 16, 2006
WORK.....ING....HOURS.....
Okay.... my working hours... don't have one, because... i don't have off working hours...
Overloaded, frustrated, stressed, friendless...
I feel ignorant, I feel like a lazy person, I feel that I am not doing what I should have achieved. I am nothing.
Lack of will power, lack of knowledge, lack of intelligence.
I NEED TO GROW!!!!!!!
I am hungry for everything right now... every knowledge I can get into my hands... craving it... dyingly hungry for it...
I need to improve.
But, I'm tired, I'm sleepy, I'm exhausted. This is a stage, I feel, this is a phase in my life. If I can pass this, then I will be stronger and better and more confident of myself.
Overloaded, frustrated, stressed, friendless...
I feel ignorant, I feel like a lazy person, I feel that I am not doing what I should have achieved. I am nothing.
Lack of will power, lack of knowledge, lack of intelligence.
I NEED TO GROW!!!!!!!
I am hungry for everything right now... every knowledge I can get into my hands... craving it... dyingly hungry for it...
I need to improve.
But, I'm tired, I'm sleepy, I'm exhausted. This is a stage, I feel, this is a phase in my life. If I can pass this, then I will be stronger and better and more confident of myself.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Friends
Are friends real? Or is it just a myth. Only when you benefit each other, can you be friends. Once the benefit is gone, lives drift apart. At least, that seems to be the way with so many people, and so many things.
We are friends because you thought you can learn something from me, because you thought you can gain something from me. When I decided to stop talking, stop exploding, stop pretending to be great, you lost your interest. How unfortunate, for I've decided merely to rest a bit.
Right now for me isn't the time to be glowing, right now and for the next few years, it is going to be the hard trial of learning, re-learning, experimenting, re-experimenting, absorbing, re-absorbing, taking as much knowledge from every field I touch as I can. Always, I've felt, there's a time limitation. 30 years old, by then, I have to be accomplished in my own definition. I have to accomplish what some people called impossible, I have to prove to myself that my motto was right: Nothing is impossible! As long as you try. And, when you try, do try very hard, or else, don't even start.
Don't know why, I've became less and less gemini, more and more something else. Still, I have, I hope, the same wit and cheerfulness of a gemini, but something else grows inside of me. That little bubble of stubborness, persistance, the madness to perfect, to win, to conquer, to be better than expected... The desire to win, the desire to be stable, to take responsibility, no matter how great, how hard, how tiring, and still being able to accomplish my dreams.
1. Nothing is impossible as long as you are willing to make it possible.
2. You don't find time, you make time.
3. There's no such thing as luck, there's only good choice.
4. You make the choice, you take the responsibilities.
5. Anyone but for the first place are losers, are you a loser?
6. Just be happy!
7. Everyone's an individual, everyone is to be respected for their decisions, even if you cannot agree.
8. There's a reason for everything. There's a pro, and a con.
9. The world isn't black and white, nothing is good or evil. It's all just the question of reasoning.
10. Make believe, make com true.
Some people might sneer at the philosophy of my life, but so far, it's proven to suit my personality. At least... I'm generally happy. Sad once a month for hateful female reasons, but otherwise almost always energetic and cheerful (for those who know me, you had to admit thus). Some might think it's stupid to live so stressed out, but then, it makes me happy to be a workaholic who complains about having too much work because it's amusing to complain sometimes. :P I am who I am.
We are friends because you thought you can learn something from me, because you thought you can gain something from me. When I decided to stop talking, stop exploding, stop pretending to be great, you lost your interest. How unfortunate, for I've decided merely to rest a bit.
Right now for me isn't the time to be glowing, right now and for the next few years, it is going to be the hard trial of learning, re-learning, experimenting, re-experimenting, absorbing, re-absorbing, taking as much knowledge from every field I touch as I can. Always, I've felt, there's a time limitation. 30 years old, by then, I have to be accomplished in my own definition. I have to accomplish what some people called impossible, I have to prove to myself that my motto was right: Nothing is impossible! As long as you try. And, when you try, do try very hard, or else, don't even start.
Don't know why, I've became less and less gemini, more and more something else. Still, I have, I hope, the same wit and cheerfulness of a gemini, but something else grows inside of me. That little bubble of stubborness, persistance, the madness to perfect, to win, to conquer, to be better than expected... The desire to win, the desire to be stable, to take responsibility, no matter how great, how hard, how tiring, and still being able to accomplish my dreams.
1. Nothing is impossible as long as you are willing to make it possible.
2. You don't find time, you make time.
3. There's no such thing as luck, there's only good choice.
4. You make the choice, you take the responsibilities.
5. Anyone but for the first place are losers, are you a loser?
6. Just be happy!
7. Everyone's an individual, everyone is to be respected for their decisions, even if you cannot agree.
8. There's a reason for everything. There's a pro, and a con.
9. The world isn't black and white, nothing is good or evil. It's all just the question of reasoning.
10. Make believe, make com true.
Some people might sneer at the philosophy of my life, but so far, it's proven to suit my personality. At least... I'm generally happy. Sad once a month for hateful female reasons, but otherwise almost always energetic and cheerful (for those who know me, you had to admit thus). Some might think it's stupid to live so stressed out, but then, it makes me happy to be a workaholic who complains about having too much work because it's amusing to complain sometimes. :P I am who I am.
Monday, October 09, 2006
This is sick
However the world has "improved" my stomachache progressed with it. There is a direct ratio between degree of vomit and degree of social advancement. Higher goes higher, lower goes lower. It's at a closing climax now.
Maybe it isn't that bad of an idea to have the end of the world appear in our life-time. I suppose I've always sort of prayed for it, another flood, another Noah's Ark, and me being the first to drown after the endless politicians and metropolitans who spend their lives questioning their cashbook, "how do I get more money? Bigger house? Better car?" This is sickening. And it is a sickening feeling that just doesn't disappear.
Just read an article on New York Times called "Two Bedrooms, but No Doorman? A Pity, Tiniest New Yorkers Scoff" by Teri Jarush Rogers. What is the wrong with the world? Kids comparing house sizes and feeling emotionally distraught because their room is smaller, their family poorer, their possessions lesser. This, isn't the world I want for my own child to grow up in, ever (provided that I get a child first), nor for my sister (who is only 9 at the moment).
$$$ isn't everything. Material isn't everything. Having enough to survive is important, indeed, but I am tired of being slaves to "getting richer, earning more". There isn't enough if you fall in love with money, if you become slaves of $$$. You get an apartment, you want a house; you get a house, you want a mansion; you get a masion, you want a palace; ... You get a scooter, you want a motorcycle; you get a motorcycle, you want a car; you get a car, you want a sport car; ... The list can really go on. What does any of this mean to you when you are alone by youself? What does this mean to you when you are 80 years old and can't drive anymore, can't move around the big mansion anymore, can't play with all the expensive toys anymore?
Who cares if you have a bigger house when the house is cold? Who cares if you have more toys when you haven't any true friends who would go through fire and hell with you? Who cares if you have everything money can buy in the world when you no longer know the meaning of any of it?
There's one thing money cannot buy, and that is love, that is the soul.
It's so sick, the way the world is now, so sick to the core. Why lie to myself anymore?
Maybe it isn't that bad of an idea to have the end of the world appear in our life-time. I suppose I've always sort of prayed for it, another flood, another Noah's Ark, and me being the first to drown after the endless politicians and metropolitans who spend their lives questioning their cashbook, "how do I get more money? Bigger house? Better car?" This is sickening. And it is a sickening feeling that just doesn't disappear.
Just read an article on New York Times called "Two Bedrooms, but No Doorman? A Pity, Tiniest New Yorkers Scoff" by Teri Jarush Rogers. What is the wrong with the world? Kids comparing house sizes and feeling emotionally distraught because their room is smaller, their family poorer, their possessions lesser. This, isn't the world I want for my own child to grow up in, ever (provided that I get a child first), nor for my sister (who is only 9 at the moment).
$$$ isn't everything. Material isn't everything. Having enough to survive is important, indeed, but I am tired of being slaves to "getting richer, earning more". There isn't enough if you fall in love with money, if you become slaves of $$$. You get an apartment, you want a house; you get a house, you want a mansion; you get a masion, you want a palace; ... You get a scooter, you want a motorcycle; you get a motorcycle, you want a car; you get a car, you want a sport car; ... The list can really go on. What does any of this mean to you when you are alone by youself? What does this mean to you when you are 80 years old and can't drive anymore, can't move around the big mansion anymore, can't play with all the expensive toys anymore?
Who cares if you have a bigger house when the house is cold? Who cares if you have more toys when you haven't any true friends who would go through fire and hell with you? Who cares if you have everything money can buy in the world when you no longer know the meaning of any of it?
There's one thing money cannot buy, and that is love, that is the soul.
It's so sick, the way the world is now, so sick to the core. Why lie to myself anymore?
Saturday, October 07, 2006
infinity
infinity in demands... unmet demands... unconsiderate personality... selfishness... c'est moi
I'm tired of being the bosses good employee, the parents' good daughter, the teachers' good student, the boyfriends' good girlfriend. I just want to be my good me. Where is Naomi after everyone ask her to deminish a part of herself? Where is Naomi after everyone ask her to give up herself for someone else? Where is Naomi after every time she feels she's the one with the problem, with the faults, with the negativity... Naomi can never be good enough. Then she would only not be Naomi, she would only become someone else, and that's bad... Because most people loved Naomi because she was Naomi, because she's unique, because she is different, but... that is also what they all end up wanting to change about her... Then they just all end up not loving her anymore because... "Naomi isn't Naomi anymore, she's someone I don't know anymore!" I need to get out of here...
---
GET TO BERLIN! GET TO BERLIN! GET TO BERLIN! That little voice inside my head keeps saying~
(Here, I am living on BERLIN TIME)
I'm tired of being the bosses good employee, the parents' good daughter, the teachers' good student, the boyfriends' good girlfriend. I just want to be my good me. Where is Naomi after everyone ask her to deminish a part of herself? Where is Naomi after everyone ask her to give up herself for someone else? Where is Naomi after every time she feels she's the one with the problem, with the faults, with the negativity... Naomi can never be good enough. Then she would only not be Naomi, she would only become someone else, and that's bad... Because most people loved Naomi because she was Naomi, because she's unique, because she is different, but... that is also what they all end up wanting to change about her... Then they just all end up not loving her anymore because... "Naomi isn't Naomi anymore, she's someone I don't know anymore!" I need to get out of here...
---
GET TO BERLIN! GET TO BERLIN! GET TO BERLIN! That little voice inside my head keeps saying~
(Here, I am living on BERLIN TIME)
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Eden needs to be tended
Even Eden needs to be tended with care and absolution.
Never ask yourself what you can't do, just ask what you can do. God did not give us a brain so that we can spend our days thinking about what we cannot do. He gave it to us so that we can create infinite possibilities with it.
Never ask yourself if you have enough time, just ask how to make time. There is no 24 hours a day, that's for beneficial human calculation. If you need more time, you need to break free of this mentality and make time for yourself. A minute more can mean heavens. A minute less can be hell.
There is a time for eveything. A time to have fun, a time to work, a time to become stabler, a time to get wild, a time to be yourself, a time to consider others. Humans are gifted with the sense of time, not so that they use it to whatever their desire, but that they have a hand over their lives. What time to do what? That choice is in our hands, and with the choice comes the responsibility. Use the times well, and know when to do what.
Looking back at pictures of Finland, not really willing to let it go. Yet, this isn't the time for nostalgia, this is the time to get a grip of my life. I've been nostalgic for 10 years, it's time to move on and actually see that the world is more than just past memories. Let go of the past and move forward. This is the time for that.
Never ask yourself what you can't do, just ask what you can do. God did not give us a brain so that we can spend our days thinking about what we cannot do. He gave it to us so that we can create infinite possibilities with it.
Never ask yourself if you have enough time, just ask how to make time. There is no 24 hours a day, that's for beneficial human calculation. If you need more time, you need to break free of this mentality and make time for yourself. A minute more can mean heavens. A minute less can be hell.
There is a time for eveything. A time to have fun, a time to work, a time to become stabler, a time to get wild, a time to be yourself, a time to consider others. Humans are gifted with the sense of time, not so that they use it to whatever their desire, but that they have a hand over their lives. What time to do what? That choice is in our hands, and with the choice comes the responsibility. Use the times well, and know when to do what.
Looking back at pictures of Finland, not really willing to let it go. Yet, this isn't the time for nostalgia, this is the time to get a grip of my life. I've been nostalgic for 10 years, it's time to move on and actually see that the world is more than just past memories. Let go of the past and move forward. This is the time for that.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Kmfdm - Dogma Lyrics
ALLWEWANTISAHEADRUSHALLWEWANTIS
TOGETOUTOFOURSKINFORAWHILE
we have nothing to lose because we don't have
anything anything we want anyway...
WEUSEDTOHATEPEOPLENOWWEJUSTMAKE
FUNOFTHEMIT'SMOREEFFECTIVETHATWAY
we don't live we just scratch on day to day
WITHNOTHINGBUTMATCHBOOKSANDSARCASM
INOURPOCKETSANDALLWEAREWAITINGFORISFOR
SOMETHINGWORTHWAITINGFORLET'SADMIT
AMERICAGETSTHECELEBRITIESWEDESERVE
let's stop saying "don't quote me" becuase if no one quotes you you probably haven't said a thing worth saying
WENEEDSOMETHINGTOKILLTHEPAINOFALLTHAT
NOTHINGINSIDEWEALLJUSTWANTTODIEALITTLEBIT
we fear that pop-culture is the only culture we're ever going to have we want to stop reading magazines stop watching tv stop caring about hollywood but we're addicted to the things we hate we don't run washington and no one really does ask not what you can do for your country ask what your country did to you the only reason you're still alive is because someone has decided to let you live
WEOWESOMUCHMONEYWE'RENOTBROKEWE'REBROKEN
WE'RESOPOORWECAN'TEVENPAYATTENTION
so what do you want you want to be famous and rich and happy but you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world thing to say and no way to say it but you can say it in three languages
YOUAREMORETHANTHESUMOFWHATYOUCONSUME
DESIREISNOTANOCCUPATIONYOUAREULTIMATELY
THRILLEDANDDESPERATESKYHIGHANDFUCKED
let's stop praying for someone to save us and start saving ourselves let's stop this and start over let's go out-let's keep going this is your life-this is your fucking life
WENEEDSOMETHINGTOKILLTHEPAINOFALLTHAT
NOTHINGINSIDE
quit whining you haven't done anyhtiing wrong because frankly you haven't done much of anything
SOMEONE'SWRITINGDOWNYOURMISTAKESSOMEONE'S
DOCUMENTINGYOURDOWNFALL
TOGETOUTOFOURSKINFORAWHILE
we have nothing to lose because we don't have
anything anything we want anyway...
WEUSEDTOHATEPEOPLENOWWEJUSTMAKE
FUNOFTHEMIT'SMOREEFFECTIVETHATWAY
we don't live we just scratch on day to day
WITHNOTHINGBUTMATCHBOOKSANDSARCASM
INOURPOCKETSANDALLWEAREWAITINGFORISFOR
SOMETHINGWORTHWAITINGFORLET'SADMIT
AMERICAGETSTHECELEBRITIESWEDESERVE
let's stop saying "don't quote me" becuase if no one quotes you you probably haven't said a thing worth saying
WENEEDSOMETHINGTOKILLTHEPAINOFALLTHAT
NOTHINGINSIDEWEALLJUSTWANTTODIEALITTLEBIT
we fear that pop-culture is the only culture we're ever going to have we want to stop reading magazines stop watching tv stop caring about hollywood but we're addicted to the things we hate we don't run washington and no one really does ask not what you can do for your country ask what your country did to you the only reason you're still alive is because someone has decided to let you live
WEOWESOMUCHMONEYWE'RENOTBROKEWE'REBROKEN
WE'RESOPOORWECAN'TEVENPAYATTENTION
so what do you want you want to be famous and rich and happy but you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world thing to say and no way to say it but you can say it in three languages
YOUAREMORETHANTHESUMOFWHATYOUCONSUME
DESIREISNOTANOCCUPATIONYOUAREULTIMATELY
THRILLEDANDDESPERATESKYHIGHANDFUCKED
let's stop praying for someone to save us and start saving ourselves let's stop this and start over let's go out-let's keep going this is your life-this is your fucking life
WENEEDSOMETHINGTOKILLTHEPAINOFALLTHAT
NOTHINGINSIDE
quit whining you haven't done anyhtiing wrong because frankly you haven't done much of anything
SOMEONE'SWRITINGDOWNYOURMISTAKESSOMEONE'S
DOCUMENTINGYOURDOWNFALL
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
New recruit joins Terracotta Army
A German art student briefly fooled police by posing as one of China's terracotta warriors at the heritage site in the ancient capital, Xian.
-BBC
Okay... As "contemporary" as art can get, as "artistic" as we should respect these performers, there are limits sometimes. Despite the fact that it does seem interesting and exciting and even thrilling to stand there pretending to be someone else from the long gone past, be sure to figure out the cultural understanding before you proceed on your adventure. With the edging mentality of protecting what treasures of history remaining in China, the Chinese people will be fast to criticize and anger for any actions leading remote disrespect for their long gone historical artifacts. If it was a practical joke, the joker's lost the fun, if it was for the hell of it, well, he will definitely experience the hell now (trust that the government is now watching him), if for fame... well, then it looses to a certain extend the feeling of art.
On the other hand... seriously... It's just history... it's all in the past. What is the big fuss about it? Just because it's a daring German student in China protected by the German government? Well, just think, that's why he can do this and we cannot.
-BBC
Okay... As "contemporary" as art can get, as "artistic" as we should respect these performers, there are limits sometimes. Despite the fact that it does seem interesting and exciting and even thrilling to stand there pretending to be someone else from the long gone past, be sure to figure out the cultural understanding before you proceed on your adventure. With the edging mentality of protecting what treasures of history remaining in China, the Chinese people will be fast to criticize and anger for any actions leading remote disrespect for their long gone historical artifacts. If it was a practical joke, the joker's lost the fun, if it was for the hell of it, well, he will definitely experience the hell now (trust that the government is now watching him), if for fame... well, then it looses to a certain extend the feeling of art.
On the other hand... seriously... It's just history... it's all in the past. What is the big fuss about it? Just because it's a daring German student in China protected by the German government? Well, just think, that's why he can do this and we cannot.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Irony in RED
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/5355128.stm
China in Lebannon. China as the largest peace keeping force. China... trying to act like the next world power.
Indeed, China is rising star, economically. Indeed, China is advancing, economically. China... With the coming of 2008 Olympics, what do we see? A world of splendour, a world of fascination, a world beyond our comprehension. Exotic. Miraculous. Interchanging.
How ironic, this situation. How has China advanced, culturally? Chinese foreign students still clutching to each other, hidden in their tiny Chinese communities all over the world. Foreigners might be dangerous. Taiwan belongs to China. Woman should behave themselves and let the man do the big decision making. Lower classes in deep poverty, upper classes drinking champane. Google is censored. News is altered. Where is freedom? Where is liberty? Yes, economically it is advancing, but what about other things?
How ironic it is, that a nation which cannot take care of their own internal problems of poverty, illness, class, ethnicity...etc. moves to be a nation promoting peace keeping. A nation that aims 1200 missiles at another nation it claims as its own, then proclaiming to the world that it will put in more forces for the peace in the Middle East.
Politics. Something I used to be passionate about, now it sickens me. Just looking at how even more corrupted politics is than business. How every one of these appearance actions has a hypocrtical motive underneath.
How can we make the world better? It seems, every effort we make only makes it go worse and worse. How can the butterfly spread its wings? We're all monkeys of hate in the end of the story.
China in Lebannon. China as the largest peace keeping force. China... trying to act like the next world power.
Indeed, China is rising star, economically. Indeed, China is advancing, economically. China... With the coming of 2008 Olympics, what do we see? A world of splendour, a world of fascination, a world beyond our comprehension. Exotic. Miraculous. Interchanging.
How ironic, this situation. How has China advanced, culturally? Chinese foreign students still clutching to each other, hidden in their tiny Chinese communities all over the world. Foreigners might be dangerous. Taiwan belongs to China. Woman should behave themselves and let the man do the big decision making. Lower classes in deep poverty, upper classes drinking champane. Google is censored. News is altered. Where is freedom? Where is liberty? Yes, economically it is advancing, but what about other things?
How ironic it is, that a nation which cannot take care of their own internal problems of poverty, illness, class, ethnicity...etc. moves to be a nation promoting peace keeping. A nation that aims 1200 missiles at another nation it claims as its own, then proclaiming to the world that it will put in more forces for the peace in the Middle East.
Politics. Something I used to be passionate about, now it sickens me. Just looking at how even more corrupted politics is than business. How every one of these appearance actions has a hypocrtical motive underneath.
How can we make the world better? It seems, every effort we make only makes it go worse and worse. How can the butterfly spread its wings? We're all monkeys of hate in the end of the story.
Walking out the Comfort Zone
Tensity. Why does such a word fly across the blank brain of a morning's waking? Each opening of each day it must be faced. Tensity, stress, fear, terror. Is this the right way to go? Is it not? Will I prevail? Will I accomplish what I set forth to do? Why the fear? Why the doubt? Why the moment's hesitation? If one believes in oneself, one can accomplish almost anything they set out to do or become whatever they set out to become. With determination, a path well chosen, a mind that will persist, anything can be possible. With great certainly I must say that I have every faith in myself pulling through, even with all the fear of possible failure.
Walking out the Comfort Zone, that's the base of such instablity. The comfort zone of family protection, of my people, of my old friends, of school, of things once familiar and walking into the world of different culture, different expectations, and different degree of independence. What do I look at is a field entirely foreign to me, different from anything I have touched in the past, but a field that proves most challenging and attractive, and I just cannot turn away from. How came I to find this to be something I want, I cannot explain, just like I cannot explain half the things happening in my life anymore.
Push the limits. Outside the comfort zone, I wonder what my limit is. Here, where I am still only a small pawn, powerless in the bottom of the pyramid. In comparison of my past, where I am on the top, admired and adored. Here and now, things are different, entirely different. Sacrifices must be made, accomplishments awaits. And I plung in, frightened, but excited, into the future unknown. Too many variables, too many possibles, too many ables.
Walking out the Comfort Zone, that's the base of such instablity. The comfort zone of family protection, of my people, of my old friends, of school, of things once familiar and walking into the world of different culture, different expectations, and different degree of independence. What do I look at is a field entirely foreign to me, different from anything I have touched in the past, but a field that proves most challenging and attractive, and I just cannot turn away from. How came I to find this to be something I want, I cannot explain, just like I cannot explain half the things happening in my life anymore.
Push the limits. Outside the comfort zone, I wonder what my limit is. Here, where I am still only a small pawn, powerless in the bottom of the pyramid. In comparison of my past, where I am on the top, admired and adored. Here and now, things are different, entirely different. Sacrifices must be made, accomplishments awaits. And I plung in, frightened, but excited, into the future unknown. Too many variables, too many possibles, too many ables.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Even the density cannot explain
Even the density cannot explain this sensation of temperature within the moist humidity of a late fall afternoon washing up my legs into the womb of the mother's giving. Intense as the sensation may feel the empty symbol above the head continues the similar frozen smile in a motionless blockade of movements. The mind may have drifted partly to encompass that whisper beyond the pieced out literature, but the body feels not the concrete physicality of its being, lost. Oh, to the lasting moments the desires flow distilled in the afternoon wind where nothing can carry out more or less the gentle beat of the heart. The heart which does not change its mind in whatever it may concern itself with as it is moving from one location to another, searching for the way home to its owner on the other end of the globe. Speak it not, the words, just act. The heart sits with temper against the chest within which it was locked, keys given away to the flow of life, the nature's ways, and the heart itself awaits the moment when freedom rings and it may cry out that lasting eternal sound: LOVE. Nothing can be changed now, that the course is set, either for destruction or for construction. All constructions must begin with destruction anyways and so the feelings stays, however rare, it is found and it stays. First the destruction of all understanding concerning it of the past, of the present, then concretely slowly re-construct a different understanding, tuning in (we say) of another present and future. However that may be, don't know. It moves steadily in one united direction, steadily for the call of: LOVER (an extra R and makes the different we have). Hence known now the feeling of lost and confusion, it is merely caused by the fact that the heart of one owner is in the breast of another, the hearts traded, therefore a moment of adaptation is needed. All creatures, moving into new habitats, necessarily need time of adaptation to find means of sustaining the best living quality in such different environments. It is for the sake of SURVIVAL that these turmoils existed and exists. LOVE. LOVER. SURVIVAL. And just what else in life is the basic necessity? No more, no less, that's all.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
gentlity
A person of such, that forgets the need to understand and be caring, is a person who has lost that sense of compassion which is imbedded in the genetic origination of every human creation. Despite the fact that for centuries and ages we have attempted to deprive ourself of such sensations, of the sense of creating harmony, of observing the other's actions as understanding reactions, of considering people other than ourselves as being in the norms, it is imbedded within our genetic origination. Creatures of all type carry this trait. The cavewoman cared for one another, certain that by supporting in a community manner, each doing their work, can the society thrive and prosper together. The prosperation of the common will bring the better of the individual. Hence is the conept of socialism based upon, the general wellfare of the common to make the life of the individual better. Raise, however, under the world of capitalism, this is a concept to be learned.
Gentlity.
When was the last time when we did not relate gentleman to merely a lovely fine man dressed in stylish suites speaking an accute British accent. "How may I be of service, mame?" "This way please, my lady." "May I introduce myself?" Yet, what is true gentlity? Once in a book, I read of a marvelous character, Mr. Sydney. Even with the age of 13, I could see that character as a truly gentle person, a true gentleman. Yes, he was indeed that perfection which every young girl dreams of. Polite, caring, protective, reserved, and considerate of others at all times. A person who devotes himself to his passion, to his success, to his lady, to his dream, to becoming the best person he can become. A person who makes no excuses for his actions, and considers carefully what others say of him or of anything. Mr. Arthur Sydney.
Being gentle, isn't easy. At least in this world where we are all asked to become more competitive, more aggressive, more demanding, more stressed out, more pressured, more efficient, more and more and more of everything, but tenderness and loving. It is the era when we have forgotten what is truly the greatest achievement of human existence. Not the technologies, not the tall building, not the paper that we all bleed for, but the compassion, the harmony, the tranquility, the peace. So many of us seek the day when we have papers that fill our house but we need not use, cars that's too good for us to drive, schools that're too expensive to teach our children anything good, locations where pollution shortens our lives, flattering abilities and hobbies that impresses the neighbor who doesn't really care. How many seeks that genlity of just being together, smiling in each other's eyes, against all odds? And then how many of us are gentle enough to understand that sometimes our struggles, though independent, though seeming cold, are to provide a better chance for togetherness, for reunion, for trust, for love?
My reflection: I did not see this. I did not see the work that was done behind the curtains which have not been bought, but been thought up. The desparation, the drive, the want, the desire, to achieve something, to create pride in someone, to become better, to shorten the time apart. We all see only ourselves, our works, our needs, our desparation, our crying moments. How can I be such an ignorant person? So mean and disgraceful? To let the society poison the heart which once was pure. Let me be refreshed from this day on, for no longer can the heaven shine on me the way I am. And my wings broken will not heal itself if the host itself cannot forgive and forget. The weight is too heavy and the day too dark. Smile, my love, smile my darling, smile my child and rise your head to your paradise and see that hope is there still yet.
Gentlity.
When was the last time when we did not relate gentleman to merely a lovely fine man dressed in stylish suites speaking an accute British accent. "How may I be of service, mame?" "This way please, my lady." "May I introduce myself?" Yet, what is true gentlity? Once in a book, I read of a marvelous character, Mr. Sydney. Even with the age of 13, I could see that character as a truly gentle person, a true gentleman. Yes, he was indeed that perfection which every young girl dreams of. Polite, caring, protective, reserved, and considerate of others at all times. A person who devotes himself to his passion, to his success, to his lady, to his dream, to becoming the best person he can become. A person who makes no excuses for his actions, and considers carefully what others say of him or of anything. Mr. Arthur Sydney.
Being gentle, isn't easy. At least in this world where we are all asked to become more competitive, more aggressive, more demanding, more stressed out, more pressured, more efficient, more and more and more of everything, but tenderness and loving. It is the era when we have forgotten what is truly the greatest achievement of human existence. Not the technologies, not the tall building, not the paper that we all bleed for, but the compassion, the harmony, the tranquility, the peace. So many of us seek the day when we have papers that fill our house but we need not use, cars that's too good for us to drive, schools that're too expensive to teach our children anything good, locations where pollution shortens our lives, flattering abilities and hobbies that impresses the neighbor who doesn't really care. How many seeks that genlity of just being together, smiling in each other's eyes, against all odds? And then how many of us are gentle enough to understand that sometimes our struggles, though independent, though seeming cold, are to provide a better chance for togetherness, for reunion, for trust, for love?
My reflection: I did not see this. I did not see the work that was done behind the curtains which have not been bought, but been thought up. The desparation, the drive, the want, the desire, to achieve something, to create pride in someone, to become better, to shorten the time apart. We all see only ourselves, our works, our needs, our desparation, our crying moments. How can I be such an ignorant person? So mean and disgraceful? To let the society poison the heart which once was pure. Let me be refreshed from this day on, for no longer can the heaven shine on me the way I am. And my wings broken will not heal itself if the host itself cannot forgive and forget. The weight is too heavy and the day too dark. Smile, my love, smile my darling, smile my child and rise your head to your paradise and see that hope is there still yet.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Song of Breasts
In solitude, the individual desparately contemplates upon the question of life, of every creature's eventual facing. Forwardly you look and hence you find yourself in that very trap where you can make no further decision but eventually fall into this haven filled with supposed softness (then endless prosperity of sins and misdeeds and the condemnation of hell). Through which your sight you should feel the warmth of your mother's milk bleeding, your father's tongues licking, your baby sucking, other babies starving. Get even more contemplate, and folding itself across your sight is the vast size of it, an ocean of uneven up and downs. The smell of sourness, the taste of foul industrial poisoness, the sight of holes after holes filled either with red blood or black dried blood. In the middest of this pile of this supposed whitish ether (but in reality just a stinch between the mounts) where men after men lost their sanity and possessed themselves with the imaginary idolization of these "snow-white mounts". These pieces of flesh which induced the very soul of mankind into what the good Lord once in long past called paradise.
Now, the question of life. The shape, the size, the width, the smoothness, the tenderness. The questions of perfection, of how to toture those poor creatures born with destiny to carry the true weapon of mass destruction and delete the human intelligence from their handling, just leaving their faces burried in the pink between the white. The men found their weakness unbearable, someone must pay the sins. With the Lord behind their power, they head to clean out the contemporary and create a new Eden, locking the deviously tempting height behind iron bars. Lost are the natural shape and introduced are new measures of perfection. Funny though, how it goes, the ugly little things only got uglier as nature lost its glory in the fight and men only found them more and more tempting for now it takes a few red wine nights and good a few more rose bushes just to obtain a sweet little glimpse of those precious thing (of course, if you'd rather spend $2 for a video, $500 for a whore, $0 but slap in the face by your sister, $0 but grounded for life by your mother, you might get more glimpses in easier fashions).
My breasts are deformed. Hence was the word spoken by the very Goddess of the family. In the world of commercialization (as I've counted above) such deformness only degrades even more the ugliness of the originally ugly paramounts (well, if they were paramounts, I needn't worry so much). Hence, behind the bars I was again introduced, deprived of that which we called nature and that which breed us live and soul and physical existence. The funny question then is, will this truly, though uglier, produce a more efficient effect on seducing men into oblivion?
Now, the question of life. The shape, the size, the width, the smoothness, the tenderness. The questions of perfection, of how to toture those poor creatures born with destiny to carry the true weapon of mass destruction and delete the human intelligence from their handling, just leaving their faces burried in the pink between the white. The men found their weakness unbearable, someone must pay the sins. With the Lord behind their power, they head to clean out the contemporary and create a new Eden, locking the deviously tempting height behind iron bars. Lost are the natural shape and introduced are new measures of perfection. Funny though, how it goes, the ugly little things only got uglier as nature lost its glory in the fight and men only found them more and more tempting for now it takes a few red wine nights and good a few more rose bushes just to obtain a sweet little glimpse of those precious thing (of course, if you'd rather spend $2 for a video, $500 for a whore, $0 but slap in the face by your sister, $0 but grounded for life by your mother, you might get more glimpses in easier fashions).
My breasts are deformed. Hence was the word spoken by the very Goddess of the family. In the world of commercialization (as I've counted above) such deformness only degrades even more the ugliness of the originally ugly paramounts (well, if they were paramounts, I needn't worry so much). Hence, behind the bars I was again introduced, deprived of that which we called nature and that which breed us live and soul and physical existence. The funny question then is, will this truly, though uglier, produce a more efficient effect on seducing men into oblivion?
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Bittersweet - Apocalyptica
I’m giving up the ghost of love
in the shadows cast on devotion
He* is the one that I adore
creed of my silent suffocation
Break this bittersweet spell on me
lost in the arms of destiny
Bittersweet
I won’t give up
I’m possessed by him*
I'm bearing his* cross
He's* turned into my curse
Break this bittersweet spell on me
lost in the arms of destiny
Bittersweet
I want you
I’m only wanting you
And I need you
I’m only needing you
Break this bittersweet spell on me
lost in the arms of destiny
Break this bittersweet spell on me
lost in the arms of destiny
Bittersweet...
---
Everything is bittersweet, in the sentimental melody. I sing my tune, my song, my edge of being lonely, my earning longing. Unrealistic evangalisation of that transcendental selflessness into the essense of human literation. Literalized is my sensations of desire for existence with you, yet unliteralized is that depth and that truth behind every closed door of the heart and soul and consciousness. Though as much as the subconsicous sings this bittersweet song at night, sings of this love, this truth, this reality, the consciousness of the day battles with reasoning, questioning, endlessly questioning in the long eternity.
Is this really the destiny calling? The distilled tranquility beneath the layers of chaotic protein mess rings the bell of absolute conviction. The certainty, the definitions stated, not proposed but determined in a coherently harmonious vote. The very breath of "yes" on the edge of explosion, the whisper of "I do" already under-textly spoken. What more can be done but to break this spell of bittersweet and to brave that fright within the chest of future possibilities? And perhaps with my hands in your hands more strength will be add in, more courage poured, to face whatever outcome come what may, and whatever destiny holds for us. One in unision.
Love is bittersweet.
in the shadows cast on devotion
He* is the one that I adore
creed of my silent suffocation
Break this bittersweet spell on me
lost in the arms of destiny
Bittersweet
I won’t give up
I’m possessed by him*
I'm bearing his* cross
He's* turned into my curse
Break this bittersweet spell on me
lost in the arms of destiny
Bittersweet
I want you
I’m only wanting you
And I need you
I’m only needing you
Break this bittersweet spell on me
lost in the arms of destiny
Break this bittersweet spell on me
lost in the arms of destiny
Bittersweet...
---
Everything is bittersweet, in the sentimental melody. I sing my tune, my song, my edge of being lonely, my earning longing. Unrealistic evangalisation of that transcendental selflessness into the essense of human literation. Literalized is my sensations of desire for existence with you, yet unliteralized is that depth and that truth behind every closed door of the heart and soul and consciousness. Though as much as the subconsicous sings this bittersweet song at night, sings of this love, this truth, this reality, the consciousness of the day battles with reasoning, questioning, endlessly questioning in the long eternity.
Is this really the destiny calling? The distilled tranquility beneath the layers of chaotic protein mess rings the bell of absolute conviction. The certainty, the definitions stated, not proposed but determined in a coherently harmonious vote. The very breath of "yes" on the edge of explosion, the whisper of "I do" already under-textly spoken. What more can be done but to break this spell of bittersweet and to brave that fright within the chest of future possibilities? And perhaps with my hands in your hands more strength will be add in, more courage poured, to face whatever outcome come what may, and whatever destiny holds for us. One in unision.
Love is bittersweet.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Hollow
Addiction escalating...
This song is basically stuck in my head now~
It's from Godsmack's latest album, Godsmack IV.
Excellent, excellent song!
Totally hit the spot...
--
I feel hollow... without u
So take me home and patch me up and fill me in
With colored cryans, with fruits of springs,
With love, with adoration, with everything
Just take me home and patch me up and fill me in, my darling
Then I wouldn't feel so hollow
Then I would be with you
Instead of without, in this, longingness
This song is basically stuck in my head now~
It's from Godsmack's latest album, Godsmack IV.
Excellent, excellent song!
Totally hit the spot...
--
I feel hollow... without u
So take me home and patch me up and fill me in
With colored cryans, with fruits of springs,
With love, with adoration, with everything
Just take me home and patch me up and fill me in, my darling
Then I wouldn't feel so hollow
Then I would be with you
Instead of without, in this, longingness
Have a productive day
Just how many of us say this instead of have a good day? Very few, just you and me.
Unlike most usual greetings, the good mornings starts like this...
Things look great~ Keep the spirit up, and soon our dreams will come true!
Will have to consider:
1. English Course Plans
2. LSAT, GMAT, GRE, TOFEL (which to take?)
3. Chinese as a second language course
4. Save money
5. Competition Edu.
6. Creative-Value Chain paper (miao!)
7. Sindsay (knocking my door and getting really psychotic)
8. Tutoring
9. Job hunt (just in case)
10. A whole list of books staring at me... @@
11. Applications
This is looking good however~ ^^
--
And to think, to be in your arms, until eternity
And to think, to have your kiss, in that eternity
And to think, to have found you, in this eternity
What blessing life can be?
--
還想跑去加入日日春說
而且我想去看看施明德～雖然家裡已經下令小心（可是沒有禁止說～）
我還是喜歡政治一點～激進一點的路線～
Unlike most usual greetings, the good mornings starts like this...
Things look great~ Keep the spirit up, and soon our dreams will come true!
Will have to consider:
1. English Course Plans
2. LSAT, GMAT, GRE, TOFEL (which to take?)
3. Chinese as a second language course
4. Save money
5. Competition Edu.
6. Creative-Value Chain paper (miao!)
7. Sindsay (knocking my door and getting really psychotic)
8. Tutoring
9. Job hunt (just in case)
10. A whole list of books staring at me... @@
11. Applications
This is looking good however~ ^^
--
And to think, to be in your arms, until eternity
And to think, to have your kiss, in that eternity
And to think, to have found you, in this eternity
What blessing life can be?
--
還想跑去加入日日春說
而且我想去看看施明德～雖然家裡已經下令小心（可是沒有禁止說～）
我還是喜歡政治一點～激進一點的路線～
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Electronic Pipa
Please tell me this isn't just the most amazing and marvelous thing! It definitely is! Just imagine the beauty of this thing! What an amazing instrument! Electrified, you can do so much more with it! Perhaps, even get hardcore with it! It is absolutely the best instrument for hardcore games! Paint it in black, pitch black, with silver edges, just amazing, isn't it? Just tell me you aren't tempted with just the image of it? I really do wonder what it will be like to play metal with this instrument...
(damn... photo upload problems AGAIN)
(damn... photo upload problems AGAIN)
A double shot, please
Just listened to Deftones' music for Pulp Fiction. It started with John Travolta and Ulma Truman's entrance. WOW! What a character. JUST FASCINATING!
Feels like taking a double shot of JU combination, it fires you up, the passion, the scream, the power, the force of things.
Deftone. I rather like their music. I think they are a bit new, seemed to have came out somewhere near end of 1990s and early 2000s. There is something like 5 guys in this group (and their official website still doesn't have their bio yet... and seems still quite underground... ><) http://www.deftones.com/site .
Their music is definitely worth looking into. You can really really really feel the tension and all the explosions. Like a double shot.
*****
Courses in life, run their own way
Messes are made, in its own organized method
And we live, without our own control
In this vast sea of choatic dismay
Some laugh and plan and laugh with gain
Some laugh at those laughing because the truth is still no gain
Gain money, loose life, gain life, loose money
Gain one, loose another, natural law, it's balanced, it said
Take a double shot and ease your days
Forget the worries, forget the mays
Just ease and pass this morning and night and rays
Not missing any, not slipping away
If you just want to fast forward and think not to pay
You will wind up only unhappier yet
A double shot please, and let me here say
Just relax, let the nature have its way
Feels like taking a double shot of JU combination, it fires you up, the passion, the scream, the power, the force of things.
Deftone. I rather like their music. I think they are a bit new, seemed to have came out somewhere near end of 1990s and early 2000s. There is something like 5 guys in this group (and their official website still doesn't have their bio yet... and seems still quite underground... ><) http://www.deftones.com/site .
Their music is definitely worth looking into. You can really really really feel the tension and all the explosions. Like a double shot.
*****
Courses in life, run their own way
Messes are made, in its own organized method
And we live, without our own control
In this vast sea of choatic dismay
Some laugh and plan and laugh with gain
Some laugh at those laughing because the truth is still no gain
Gain money, loose life, gain life, loose money
Gain one, loose another, natural law, it's balanced, it said
Take a double shot and ease your days
Forget the worries, forget the mays
Just ease and pass this morning and night and rays
Not missing any, not slipping away
If you just want to fast forward and think not to pay
You will wind up only unhappier yet
A double shot please, and let me here say
Just relax, let the nature have its way
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
The Cockroach Strikes Back
For the past one week, it was hell in my room... After the discovery of the first cockroach since my return to Taiwan. I had much forgotten about these horrible things (actually, I've gone to a theropy for cockroachphobia before... the only problem is that it seems like they increased instead of decreased my fear of cockroaches). It was big, black, climbing on my walls, oily and staring right back at me with menance (shuttering at the thought). My immediate reaction was pacnick (while projecting a mental image of the cockroach flying into my mouth) and then scream. Call it the first actual concrete example of cultural shock (since the Europe I lived in simple had such a low population of these things...) or a maiden in distress... I screamed, the only problem was, either my screams were not loud enough or the prince just went to bed, no one came to my rescue as I came up with weird ideas such as spraying the damned cockroach with my table wash solution (cockroaches are afraid of soap water, I think... cuz it desolves the oil on their body which is necessary for survival). Of course, the cockroach went somewhere unheard and disappeared. I sprayed the whole closet behind this disappearance with pesticide, thinking that (how foolish) the cockroach would be dead by now (the fact that I sprayed enough to kill myself seems to apply so.
It didn't die.
Several days later, prefereably last night, the 14th of August, 2006, a new movie was playing in my room. It was "The Return of the Cockroach". As I was taking pictures to send to my beloved, Ivo, I was shocked by the entree of "Buzzzzz... (extra sharp on the Z)" then "Slap" the Cockroach looked at me right in my eyes as it stood cleared of shades on the bookshelf right above my table. (Or, in other words, it was on my table!) I gladly accepted a feeling of fright, then disgust, then revolt and finally produced something like... "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
For every cause, there is an effect. For every action, there is a consequence. I wonder why we humans seems to never remember that anyways. Suppose we are just built so, that creates more adventure and excitement in life --> hence I am writing this...
The effect of the scream was tremendous, the consequence was equally disturbing. My sister came rushing with her slippers in hand as she watched me spray pesticide in quantity (also some on my table explaining why I am feeling a bit sick sitting here) around my room chasing after the cockroach (who bested my spray) while screaming like a maniac (the fact that I was already spraying it, already attacking it, already trying to kill it, or that it is running away, it is frightened, it is more afraid of me than I am afraid of it never occurred to me for the one and half minute that I scream and scamed and jumped and leaped. It ran away, or at least, it disappeared somewhere, AGAIN! (My sister stood with awe at her sister, finding new things everyday, eh, sis?) The consequence --> "Do you know how late it is? Do you know how big the scream is? Do you know how frightening it sounded?... etc." a.k.a. My mother thought it was a murder case and she thought that the neighbors would all agree with her and then call the police and they will come and they will find that nothing is wrong and they will have to go through all this trouble just because her daughter is cock-phobic and screamed in the face of a very large, disgusting looking, black, flying cockroach and then she will loose her face. Okay... I should have tuned the screamed two notches down, but before the discovery of a "dead" cockroach... or seeing it actually coffined and taken away, I should not be able to live one night in peace in this room and that is a more frightening thought at the moment then having the cockroach.
Luckily, we discovered the cockroach (or more like I discovered) flipped over, kicking (supposively individual nerve points instead of the central nerves system) and after much discussion with a friend online who claims to be the authority of killing cockroaches, we decided to leave it for dead (and I was to leave the room for over-pesticide... getting sick and dizzy). This morning, August 15, 2006. I cleaned out my first cockroach. This might be the only benefit of having your parents walk in your room at un-announced hours, they check the cockroach for you and then all is peaceful. I threw something like 6 kleenex on top of the cockroach, some kitchen wash solution (oil-free enforced) and swept the whole thing into the toilet (after careful observation).
All is peaceful up on the closet front. From this day so forth, no food, whichever type, should appear in this room without the consent of the room-owner (ME), no soap. The floor is to be cleaned daily, and, well, everything is to be cleaned daily.
Ivo love, why can't you move to Taiwan and safe me? Or better yet, ich fahre nach Berlin, where there is a much lower count of cockroaches... but if I remember correctly, there's lot of rats... Does that mean another front must be opened while I escape from one? (DIZZY)
It didn't die.
Several days later, prefereably last night, the 14th of August, 2006, a new movie was playing in my room. It was "The Return of the Cockroach". As I was taking pictures to send to my beloved, Ivo, I was shocked by the entree of "Buzzzzz... (extra sharp on the Z)" then "Slap" the Cockroach looked at me right in my eyes as it stood cleared of shades on the bookshelf right above my table. (Or, in other words, it was on my table!) I gladly accepted a feeling of fright, then disgust, then revolt and finally produced something like... "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
For every cause, there is an effect. For every action, there is a consequence. I wonder why we humans seems to never remember that anyways. Suppose we are just built so, that creates more adventure and excitement in life --> hence I am writing this...
The effect of the scream was tremendous, the consequence was equally disturbing. My sister came rushing with her slippers in hand as she watched me spray pesticide in quantity (also some on my table explaining why I am feeling a bit sick sitting here) around my room chasing after the cockroach (who bested my spray) while screaming like a maniac (the fact that I was already spraying it, already attacking it, already trying to kill it, or that it is running away, it is frightened, it is more afraid of me than I am afraid of it never occurred to me for the one and half minute that I scream and scamed and jumped and leaped. It ran away, or at least, it disappeared somewhere, AGAIN! (My sister stood with awe at her sister, finding new things everyday, eh, sis?) The consequence --> "Do you know how late it is? Do you know how big the scream is? Do you know how frightening it sounded?... etc." a.k.a. My mother thought it was a murder case and she thought that the neighbors would all agree with her and then call the police and they will come and they will find that nothing is wrong and they will have to go through all this trouble just because her daughter is cock-phobic and screamed in the face of a very large, disgusting looking, black, flying cockroach and then she will loose her face. Okay... I should have tuned the screamed two notches down, but before the discovery of a "dead" cockroach... or seeing it actually coffined and taken away, I should not be able to live one night in peace in this room and that is a more frightening thought at the moment then having the cockroach.
Luckily, we discovered the cockroach (or more like I discovered) flipped over, kicking (supposively individual nerve points instead of the central nerves system) and after much discussion with a friend online who claims to be the authority of killing cockroaches, we decided to leave it for dead (and I was to leave the room for over-pesticide... getting sick and dizzy). This morning, August 15, 2006. I cleaned out my first cockroach. This might be the only benefit of having your parents walk in your room at un-announced hours, they check the cockroach for you and then all is peaceful. I threw something like 6 kleenex on top of the cockroach, some kitchen wash solution (oil-free enforced) and swept the whole thing into the toilet (after careful observation).
All is peaceful up on the closet front. From this day so forth, no food, whichever type, should appear in this room without the consent of the room-owner (ME), no soap. The floor is to be cleaned daily, and, well, everything is to be cleaned daily.
Ivo love, why can't you move to Taiwan and safe me? Or better yet, ich fahre nach Berlin, where there is a much lower count of cockroaches... but if I remember correctly, there's lot of rats... Does that mean another front must be opened while I escape from one? (DIZZY)
Monday, August 14, 2006
This stuff is addictive
When I was a little kid my parents disliked the whole concept of fashion and fad. Basically, I wore pass me downs until I was in high school, never went once to the hair-dresser, didn't have much chance to check out the newest albums, definitely wasn't allowed to watch MTV, and well, didn't know what in the world was going on with the music industry.
I... still don't.
First of all, coming from a strictly traditional musical family (father being an amature Chinese traditional musician, a.k.a. conservative) the musical influences ranged from Bach, Mozart, Mendelssohn, Wagner, Verdi... (yeah, these very common names) to 醉琴，天山之春，我爸自譜曲. It was either strictly violins or strictly urhu. (My only side track might be the very cute 小虎隊, which my parents also happened to adore for no particular reasons). My first comic series was about the biography of great people in the history and the world (Beethoven, Anderson, Napoleon, Nobel, etc.) My first books were the encyclopedia for children (with very very ugly pictures). My stories were concepts of morality and ethics (and people keep wondering how the hell did I turn out the way I did?). Concerning pop music, pop culture, novels, TV series, etc. Well, they weren't yet considered devilish, but I do recall having them named something from "bad influence" to "trash". My mother's opinion "How can you stand this?" My father's opinion... well... he doesn't often project opinions, he simply just attacks the instrument producing the "negative" infuence.
Second of all, coming from a family that hasn't a single clue what "rest" or what in general "good lifestyle" means, anything not work-related, education-related are often thought to be... the work of Satan (only that my family is generally pagan ((mom)) and buddhist ((dad)) so the naturally there's no such thing as Satan here). I was a weird kid as a child. To me, the mall was a place that a child was NOT allowed to go. A child being someone before she turns 18 (or even after, depending on your parents). Shopping was the hobby of the idle (which still might be true). Fashion was for the rich (which we were not). Taking a break was something to be feeling guilty for (a.k.a. watching TV, reading stories... etc. that is until I discovered my parents' tolerance for young adult fiction and science fiction <-- my mom was a Sci-Fi supporter and sorta addict for awhile). Of course, that included contacts with any pop-culture, unless you are studying it (which I ended up doing for a bit in high school... also studied eroticism <-- that was for real). We rarely took family vacations, and when we did, I walked with my father listening to his lectures on life, education, plants and so on, or else I spent the rest of the time reading (the only way to get everyone off my back is with a book opened in my lap). As for music, never got what I wanted, never a genre that just moved me enough for me to want to... basically... DIG IN!
Third of all, anything louder than my mother's speech (quite loud, actually), weren't allowed in the family until eventually my brother grew up. Why does his growing up matter? Cuz he never cared <-- none of the ethics education... enough to shut the music down and now my mother is rather trained to be tolerant to it (so this is how you deal with parents, make them tolerant). I arrived in university totally unprepared for the youth culture I was to face (was definitely expecting a world of nerds like me who'd carry books around with them everywhere). I found myself in a world of fad and fashion, a world of pop music and pop art, a world where you're not kool if you're not that! Of course, this didn't help, because I just didn't feel comfortable being all "that"! The pop music I still didn't find appealing, though at least now I feel more apart of everyone. Everything was too soft for me... until
In order to get "out" of here, I arranged for exchange student to Finland. I needed a big break, a major one, one that will allow me from going crazy and nuts. For the first 6 months in Finland I did nothing, and I really mean nothing, except date guys and sleep and smoke and get sick a lot. At the beginning of the second semester, I did relatively better, but still horribly. I was still sick and still trying to figure things out, figure the world out, figure myself out. Having been not apart of the world for so long, it wasn't easy for me to melt in with people, to understand people, to understand the culture around me. But surprisingly, I did manage to fit in, and better than I expected. I fitted into the group that I used to laugh at when I was a kid finding that the groups with the same status at the present isn't the same as those in childhood. All this is great and good, all this helped me take on a more positive look on life, but there was still something missing in my life. I listened to hip-hop (got criticized several time for saying that I like it... and I agree with the criticism now... because I was never enthusiastic about it!), rap (not enthusiastic either) which I came to like because they were popular culture, came to like reggaeton because it is easy to dance to (very dirty), Chinese music because I've always listened to those (Still adore them)... But missing one major genre... until this weird French guy Quintin basically just smashed this music in my face on my visit to his home.
***
Characteristics of a metal head: long hair, black wardrobe, leather bands... etc. Extreme --> Goth... Less extreme --> Punk... my original fav of style: long hair, black wardrobe, leather bands, silverware w/ skulls, scorpions... etc. In other words, I wasn't far from the style already. My fav things in life: anything hardcore. My childhood: filled with hatred for the inhumanity of humans and had the concept that the cruelist creatures in the world are humans (hence the fantasy that the world is either controlled by trees or little aliens from other space... or the fantasy that I am a martian, which might still be true). Loved: vampires, blood, smashing things <-- anger management? My first boyfriend (okay, if you can call that a boyfriend... when I was 12, and we never did anything but talk) was actually in a band... who actually was into punk music... which... surprisingly, I never got influenced with... or maybe I did, but I just never noticed. I just loved the black leather jacket and boots he always wore, and the paleness of his skin. Maybe also a little bit of the sentimental violence he had (a bit self-destructive).
Metal heads also "mush", which... I never did "mush" much with... Will I ever want to go "mushing"? Actually, not really, maybe in private, but definitely no interest in public mushing... too much physical contact, and definitely a very painful sounding process. Yet, from my past expriences with chucking people on ice, I do have reasons to believe that I probably won't be such a bad musher, maybe I'll try it one of these days (I've chucked hockey players, football players... during my childish years) after I've learned some self-protection arts!
***
Anyways, Quintin (side-track is the reason of my long writings) introduced me to metal music (was introduced to rock by Johanna). Now, just maybe, I've found exactly the thing I had been looking for in my life. That sounds which fills up the emptiness inside. The music isn't just thrilling, it was life-giving! (The only problem is it is also either very tiring or very energetic to listen to it) It fitted with every fiber of my understanding of what good music should feel like (Prefer the newer ones to the older ones). There was Rage Against the Machine, Rammstein, the Rasmus, Apocalyptic, Pantera, Metallica, Marilyn Manson, Drowning Pool, Disturbed, etc. Now I feel like I need to know more and more and more and more of this stuff. I can spend just days after days and after more days just listening to the different tones, keys, styles of these music (and trying to figure out how I can fit the instrument I play into this... which would be weird... because I play 琵琶).
This stuff is addictive! Now I know what it means to be addicted to music. All hail the metal heads! And me out of my crack-pot butterfly cocoon~
I... still don't.
First of all, coming from a strictly traditional musical family (father being an amature Chinese traditional musician, a.k.a. conservative) the musical influences ranged from Bach, Mozart, Mendelssohn, Wagner, Verdi... (yeah, these very common names) to 醉琴，天山之春，我爸自譜曲. It was either strictly violins or strictly urhu. (My only side track might be the very cute 小虎隊, which my parents also happened to adore for no particular reasons). My first comic series was about the biography of great people in the history and the world (Beethoven, Anderson, Napoleon, Nobel, etc.) My first books were the encyclopedia for children (with very very ugly pictures). My stories were concepts of morality and ethics (and people keep wondering how the hell did I turn out the way I did?). Concerning pop music, pop culture, novels, TV series, etc. Well, they weren't yet considered devilish, but I do recall having them named something from "bad influence" to "trash". My mother's opinion "How can you stand this?" My father's opinion... well... he doesn't often project opinions, he simply just attacks the instrument producing the "negative" infuence.
Second of all, coming from a family that hasn't a single clue what "rest" or what in general "good lifestyle" means, anything not work-related, education-related are often thought to be... the work of Satan (only that my family is generally pagan ((mom)) and buddhist ((dad)) so the naturally there's no such thing as Satan here). I was a weird kid as a child. To me, the mall was a place that a child was NOT allowed to go. A child being someone before she turns 18 (or even after, depending on your parents). Shopping was the hobby of the idle (which still might be true). Fashion was for the rich (which we were not). Taking a break was something to be feeling guilty for (a.k.a. watching TV, reading stories... etc. that is until I discovered my parents' tolerance for young adult fiction and science fiction <-- my mom was a Sci-Fi supporter and sorta addict for awhile). Of course, that included contacts with any pop-culture, unless you are studying it (which I ended up doing for a bit in high school... also studied eroticism <-- that was for real). We rarely took family vacations, and when we did, I walked with my father listening to his lectures on life, education, plants and so on, or else I spent the rest of the time reading (the only way to get everyone off my back is with a book opened in my lap). As for music, never got what I wanted, never a genre that just moved me enough for me to want to... basically... DIG IN!
Third of all, anything louder than my mother's speech (quite loud, actually), weren't allowed in the family until eventually my brother grew up. Why does his growing up matter? Cuz he never cared <-- none of the ethics education... enough to shut the music down and now my mother is rather trained to be tolerant to it (so this is how you deal with parents, make them tolerant). I arrived in university totally unprepared for the youth culture I was to face (was definitely expecting a world of nerds like me who'd carry books around with them everywhere). I found myself in a world of fad and fashion, a world of pop music and pop art, a world where you're not kool if you're not that! Of course, this didn't help, because I just didn't feel comfortable being all "that"! The pop music I still didn't find appealing, though at least now I feel more apart of everyone. Everything was too soft for me... until
In order to get "out" of here, I arranged for exchange student to Finland. I needed a big break, a major one, one that will allow me from going crazy and nuts. For the first 6 months in Finland I did nothing, and I really mean nothing, except date guys and sleep and smoke and get sick a lot. At the beginning of the second semester, I did relatively better, but still horribly. I was still sick and still trying to figure things out, figure the world out, figure myself out. Having been not apart of the world for so long, it wasn't easy for me to melt in with people, to understand people, to understand the culture around me. But surprisingly, I did manage to fit in, and better than I expected. I fitted into the group that I used to laugh at when I was a kid finding that the groups with the same status at the present isn't the same as those in childhood. All this is great and good, all this helped me take on a more positive look on life, but there was still something missing in my life. I listened to hip-hop (got criticized several time for saying that I like it... and I agree with the criticism now... because I was never enthusiastic about it!), rap (not enthusiastic either) which I came to like because they were popular culture, came to like reggaeton because it is easy to dance to (very dirty), Chinese music because I've always listened to those (Still adore them)... But missing one major genre... until this weird French guy Quintin basically just smashed this music in my face on my visit to his home.
***
Characteristics of a metal head: long hair, black wardrobe, leather bands... etc. Extreme --> Goth... Less extreme --> Punk... my original fav of style: long hair, black wardrobe, leather bands, silverware w/ skulls, scorpions... etc. In other words, I wasn't far from the style already. My fav things in life: anything hardcore. My childhood: filled with hatred for the inhumanity of humans and had the concept that the cruelist creatures in the world are humans (hence the fantasy that the world is either controlled by trees or little aliens from other space... or the fantasy that I am a martian, which might still be true). Loved: vampires, blood, smashing things <-- anger management? My first boyfriend (okay, if you can call that a boyfriend... when I was 12, and we never did anything but talk) was actually in a band... who actually was into punk music... which... surprisingly, I never got influenced with... or maybe I did, but I just never noticed. I just loved the black leather jacket and boots he always wore, and the paleness of his skin. Maybe also a little bit of the sentimental violence he had (a bit self-destructive).
Metal heads also "mush", which... I never did "mush" much with... Will I ever want to go "mushing"? Actually, not really, maybe in private, but definitely no interest in public mushing... too much physical contact, and definitely a very painful sounding process. Yet, from my past expriences with chucking people on ice, I do have reasons to believe that I probably won't be such a bad musher, maybe I'll try it one of these days (I've chucked hockey players, football players... during my childish years) after I've learned some self-protection arts!
***
Anyways, Quintin (side-track is the reason of my long writings) introduced me to metal music (was introduced to rock by Johanna). Now, just maybe, I've found exactly the thing I had been looking for in my life. That sounds which fills up the emptiness inside. The music isn't just thrilling, it was life-giving! (The only problem is it is also either very tiring or very energetic to listen to it) It fitted with every fiber of my understanding of what good music should feel like (Prefer the newer ones to the older ones). There was Rage Against the Machine, Rammstein, the Rasmus, Apocalyptic, Pantera, Metallica, Marilyn Manson, Drowning Pool, Disturbed, etc. Now I feel like I need to know more and more and more and more of this stuff. I can spend just days after days and after more days just listening to the different tones, keys, styles of these music (and trying to figure out how I can fit the instrument I play into this... which would be weird... because I play 琵琶).
This stuff is addictive! Now I know what it means to be addicted to music. All hail the metal heads! And me out of my crack-pot butterfly cocoon~
Monday, July 31, 2006
Taiwan Day!
Today I start working for my dad... Okay, technically I start working for my dad, but actually I think I just did some very basic research which couldn't be called work and now am going to venture with the idea of enriching myself with knowledge on enterpreneuership education within the next two weeks. In the middle of August I will be attending a conference for my dad where enterpreneuers from around the world will come together in Taipei and discuss various issues concerning, well, enterpreneuer education. This means that technically I can't start working in a seriously paid for (I am paid for by my dad, but that's his money, not "mine") job until September 1st. Also means that I'm not hurrying to find a job this week, but will work on that next week (since if I start this week, I might have to start working before the end of August, which will conflict with everything else). Presently my life is filled with:
1. Enterpreneuership Education
2. Experiential Education
3. General Education Theories (is there a beginner's guide in this stuff?)
4. German (all the basic speaking stuff is the first priority)
5. Writing (for some reason I might have to open a class for my dad about my european trip... aside from the book my mother demands night and day... =.=)
6. Demanding parents, even more demanding brother (someone please tell me just why he would discuss my life with my dad in front of me... =.= without consulting the entity they are discussing about!)
7. TV noise (family addiction... and my one absolute hatred at the moment... it pisses me off easily)
8. English (absolutely deterioting)
9. Chinese (even more deterioted... soon I think I'll loose the whole capability of conversation)
10. Job planning (that's not so hard... I think/hope)
11. MONEY! (very urgent, indeed)
12. Further education plans (the constant questioning of my father/relatives)
13. Luggages (no, I have not unpacked... YET... >< have to clean out a room in the house somewhere!!!)
14. Mom's business (which I will try to start tonight despite all sakes)
15. Translation job (actually the easiest thing to do of all)
16. Little things here and there (chaos... as a matter of fact)
17. Love (Kiss kiss)
18. Worries (about job, love, family, future, myself)
19. Health problems (skin alergy, food alergy, stomachache, backache, PMS... etc.)
20. Books (I am looking at 6 books that I actually REALLY have to finish reading in a few days... not even a week!!!)
21. Mother (argh! do something and stop nagging... but then, you won't be my mom if you don't nag... so... lol)
22. Jet-lag (seriously running on both Berlin time and Taiwanese time at the moment, though I don't mind it~)
23. Can't think of anything more at the moment~
If I am lucky... it won't increase by tomorrow... But when it comes to work / business... I'm normally not that lucky. At the moment I feel rather stupid academic-wise. I already knew English well enough and then I studies English, so now... I've gained not much more from University than a diplomat that doesn't help much with my life moving out of Taiwan (which is where every single member of my lovely family is orienting me towards... I do admit I feel more comfortable out of Taiwan). That means I need to find a second, third and forth specialty... which at the moment seems to be: 1. Chinese as a Second Language. 2. English as a Second Language. 3. Enterpreneuership Education (the heck?!). 4. Patent Law (or intellectual property law... the bigger heck... but yes... that's where I'm practically ordered to get into... but since I don't mind it, it should be fun somehow... it's we the one who find the fun, not fun the one who finds us). 5. Education in general (heck heck heck! and yes... that's where Naomi seems to be drifting towards now... and good that it's not actually changing in a few weeks anymore).
Personally still aiming for a job at a publishing company, and will also try something daring: Wedding Planning. If I get into that wedding planning job it might change my life forever, but it would be quite an exciting change, wouldn't it? If I get into the publishing job I am looking at, then it's a challenge to prove my capabilities (damn, they said that if you can stay in that company for more than 10 days, you're GOD). Anyways, I'll still do something close to my adoration for English language, and hopefully will have my name on a book or two within the year (well, it'll be with my father's name, but it's good anyways).
Basically, I'm not counting on my intuition for anything at the moment anymore... just work harder, that's all~ It seems like I won't be taking anymore breaks until I turn 30. Or maybe even longer~~~ >< The only difference is, the Naomi who didn't want stable family back then does want one now, kind of. But being at home makes me afraid again, of stable relationships (Sorry love), I'm trying not to be afraid anymore, but seeing the way my family runs (the way my parents are) can make you really hopeless when it comes to relationships (which is good for a career-oriented person or a person running long distance relationships). Well, it's quite a distance, time or space-wise. But, yes, I think I would love to one day have a family. At least I might be different from my parents (isn't that what we all say and then we all turn into our parents anyway), at least I'll be my dad and not my mom (of course, cuz I'm far closer to my dad than my mom). Well, a nice single child family sounds nice, but not in the very close future, not for a few years yet. It's time to work for something, and that's something worth working for, isn't it? Actually, just working for myself is worth the effort~
Don't know what my future will look like, but, I enjoy what I am doing now, so, I'll just keep going like this. Enjoy going to work with my father, enjoy reading all these really interesting books (oh dear! I actually find these books INTERESTING! I REALLY am my father's daughter~). Now, I need to work on my EQ and social skills and timing for speaking/listening.
Okay... this is the basic update of my life. Not much of a mess up, actually... it is getting organized again. I love organized, can't live un-organized~
Love love love!!!
1. Enterpreneuership Education
2. Experiential Education
3. General Education Theories (is there a beginner's guide in this stuff?)
4. German (all the basic speaking stuff is the first priority)
5. Writing (for some reason I might have to open a class for my dad about my european trip... aside from the book my mother demands night and day... =.=)
6. Demanding parents, even more demanding brother (someone please tell me just why he would discuss my life with my dad in front of me... =.= without consulting the entity they are discussing about!)
7. TV noise (family addiction... and my one absolute hatred at the moment... it pisses me off easily)
8. English (absolutely deterioting)
9. Chinese (even more deterioted... soon I think I'll loose the whole capability of conversation)
10. Job planning (that's not so hard... I think/hope)
11. MONEY! (very urgent, indeed)
12. Further education plans (the constant questioning of my father/relatives)
13. Luggages (no, I have not unpacked... YET... >< have to clean out a room in the house somewhere!!!)
14. Mom's business (which I will try to start tonight despite all sakes)
15. Translation job (actually the easiest thing to do of all)
16. Little things here and there (chaos... as a matter of fact)
17. Love (Kiss kiss)
18. Worries (about job, love, family, future, myself)
19. Health problems (skin alergy, food alergy, stomachache, backache, PMS... etc.)
20. Books (I am looking at 6 books that I actually REALLY have to finish reading in a few days... not even a week!!!)
21. Mother (argh! do something and stop nagging... but then, you won't be my mom if you don't nag... so... lol)
22. Jet-lag (seriously running on both Berlin time and Taiwanese time at the moment, though I don't mind it~)
23. Can't think of anything more at the moment~
If I am lucky... it won't increase by tomorrow... But when it comes to work / business... I'm normally not that lucky. At the moment I feel rather stupid academic-wise. I already knew English well enough and then I studies English, so now... I've gained not much more from University than a diplomat that doesn't help much with my life moving out of Taiwan (which is where every single member of my lovely family is orienting me towards... I do admit I feel more comfortable out of Taiwan). That means I need to find a second, third and forth specialty... which at the moment seems to be: 1. Chinese as a Second Language. 2. English as a Second Language. 3. Enterpreneuership Education (the heck?!). 4. Patent Law (or intellectual property law... the bigger heck... but yes... that's where I'm practically ordered to get into... but since I don't mind it, it should be fun somehow... it's we the one who find the fun, not fun the one who finds us). 5. Education in general (heck heck heck! and yes... that's where Naomi seems to be drifting towards now... and good that it's not actually changing in a few weeks anymore).
Personally still aiming for a job at a publishing company, and will also try something daring: Wedding Planning. If I get into that wedding planning job it might change my life forever, but it would be quite an exciting change, wouldn't it? If I get into the publishing job I am looking at, then it's a challenge to prove my capabilities (damn, they said that if you can stay in that company for more than 10 days, you're GOD). Anyways, I'll still do something close to my adoration for English language, and hopefully will have my name on a book or two within the year (well, it'll be with my father's name, but it's good anyways).
Basically, I'm not counting on my intuition for anything at the moment anymore... just work harder, that's all~ It seems like I won't be taking anymore breaks until I turn 30. Or maybe even longer~~~ >< The only difference is, the Naomi who didn't want stable family back then does want one now, kind of. But being at home makes me afraid again, of stable relationships (Sorry love), I'm trying not to be afraid anymore, but seeing the way my family runs (the way my parents are) can make you really hopeless when it comes to relationships (which is good for a career-oriented person or a person running long distance relationships). Well, it's quite a distance, time or space-wise. But, yes, I think I would love to one day have a family. At least I might be different from my parents (isn't that what we all say and then we all turn into our parents anyway), at least I'll be my dad and not my mom (of course, cuz I'm far closer to my dad than my mom). Well, a nice single child family sounds nice, but not in the very close future, not for a few years yet. It's time to work for something, and that's something worth working for, isn't it? Actually, just working for myself is worth the effort~
Don't know what my future will look like, but, I enjoy what I am doing now, so, I'll just keep going like this. Enjoy going to work with my father, enjoy reading all these really interesting books (oh dear! I actually find these books INTERESTING! I REALLY am my father's daughter~). Now, I need to work on my EQ and social skills and timing for speaking/listening.
Okay... this is the basic update of my life. Not much of a mess up, actually... it is getting organized again. I love organized, can't live un-organized~
Love love love!!!
Monday, July 17, 2006
I can only love
It's been a wild last few days. Arguments with family. Coldness with a loved one. What can I do in my position? Am I just so trapped in between?
To be in your arms would be such a blessing. Yet, to loose my family would be so much more of a sin. If love is true, it will pass through, if it is not, it was not meant to be from the start. Could you not feel my pain and feel my sorrow? Could you not feel my bravery in facing these decisions? I cannot give up my family for you, love, I do not want them to hate you, I do not want them to see you as an enemy. You said yourself that family is important, then I only pray that you can see how important they are also to me, even if we have issues, we are still a family. I can only wish to include you into my family, not exclude myself from them.
Two weeks is not long enough for me to make such a decision. If I think rationally, this is the proper way. You asked me where does my heart lead me. It leads me both ways. To you, love, to my family, another love. It only tortures me so much now that I have pained everyone, a part of myself is lost in this struggle and neither one is willing to understand. I will become independent from my family, but I do not want you to become the cause. I can only wish that what you said is true, that your love is true, I can only wait and believe. Then I work my way to where I want to be, and see what the world has for me. We said that we'd try to get to know each other better, and should we not do such? I do not know you enough to say I know you well, so here I am trying and trying.
They say when a girl is too easily gain, the man easily forgets. If that is indeed the case, then let it be said, easy or not easy, the depth is the same. It was not meant to be easy from the start, merely returning to our original expectations. I do not longer understand either parties, you nor my parents, for your actions. I did everything I can for the best, but either understands. Both thinks of the impossible lost, both thinks of what they have not, yet both do not see what I loose in this, what I gain in this, what position I have now in this.
I can only love...
To be in your arms would be such a blessing. Yet, to loose my family would be so much more of a sin. If love is true, it will pass through, if it is not, it was not meant to be from the start. Could you not feel my pain and feel my sorrow? Could you not feel my bravery in facing these decisions? I cannot give up my family for you, love, I do not want them to hate you, I do not want them to see you as an enemy. You said yourself that family is important, then I only pray that you can see how important they are also to me, even if we have issues, we are still a family. I can only wish to include you into my family, not exclude myself from them.
Two weeks is not long enough for me to make such a decision. If I think rationally, this is the proper way. You asked me where does my heart lead me. It leads me both ways. To you, love, to my family, another love. It only tortures me so much now that I have pained everyone, a part of myself is lost in this struggle and neither one is willing to understand. I will become independent from my family, but I do not want you to become the cause. I can only wish that what you said is true, that your love is true, I can only wait and believe. Then I work my way to where I want to be, and see what the world has for me. We said that we'd try to get to know each other better, and should we not do such? I do not know you enough to say I know you well, so here I am trying and trying.
They say when a girl is too easily gain, the man easily forgets. If that is indeed the case, then let it be said, easy or not easy, the depth is the same. It was not meant to be easy from the start, merely returning to our original expectations. I do not longer understand either parties, you nor my parents, for your actions. I did everything I can for the best, but either understands. Both thinks of the impossible lost, both thinks of what they have not, yet both do not see what I loose in this, what I gain in this, what position I have now in this.
I can only love...
Sunday, July 16, 2006
This is when romanticism lost and reality kicks in
Well... more like a harmony of the two...
But more reality is needed...
Let's brave it... slowly
But more reality is needed...
Let's brave it... slowly
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
In your arms
In your arms lies my dreams
In your eyes lies my peace
Come to me, love
And take me to where you will be
In your eyes lies my peace
Come to me, love
And take me to where you will be
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Whispers to my Aleman
Many stilled water are currents beneath
Are you one, my Aleman?
Many quiet trees whisper of storms
Are you one, my Aleman?
My currents are running stron
My whispers are loud and sound
Each character in eyes behold and sprung
Do you see them, my Aleman?
We color the day with sunlights and stormlights
We water the night with quickened beats of heart
Brushed together by the hands of God
If there be a God
Lead me where to, my Aleman?
Ask not, my Mari-Tan
Are you one, my Aleman?
Many quiet trees whisper of storms
Are you one, my Aleman?
My currents are running stron
My whispers are loud and sound
Each character in eyes behold and sprung
Do you see them, my Aleman?
We color the day with sunlights and stormlights
We water the night with quickened beats of heart
Brushed together by the hands of God
If there be a God
Lead me where to, my Aleman?
Ask not, my Mari-Tan
LIllies are dead
A lilly pure, withering
A loving pure, staining
A blossom lost, petaling
A moment's truth, speaking
Weeding the way in between, whispering
Pain lost yet found, quickening
Expectations unrealized and impractical
Hence exposed the very edge we hold
Hand in hand in disgust
That's the truthsayer's speaking
Think not that the reality desposed
Karma is here and now
Before and after, chasing us down
An angel's wings clipped
What appreances offer are talents lost
Never again breath the words for a liar's truth is still a liar's lot
Birds of a feath may flock
Flock us not for
In dark I truely am white, in white you truely are stained
In shame I am truely of pride, in pride you truely are deprived
My angel's wings are given by God, yours given by a name you should have not
A loving pure, staining
A blossom lost, petaling
A moment's truth, speaking
Weeding the way in between, whispering
Pain lost yet found, quickening
Expectations unrealized and impractical
Hence exposed the very edge we hold
Hand in hand in disgust
That's the truthsayer's speaking
Think not that the reality desposed
Karma is here and now
Before and after, chasing us down
An angel's wings clipped
What appreances offer are talents lost
Never again breath the words for a liar's truth is still a liar's lot
Birds of a feath may flock
Flock us not for
In dark I truely am white, in white you truely are stained
In shame I am truely of pride, in pride you truely are deprived
My angel's wings are given by God, yours given by a name you should have not
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Departure
It's been chaotic since a few weeks ago, all the partying, all the nights out, all the... everything.
Departure. I'm leaving Helsinki in 3 days. Still I haven't done much of anything about it (yes, I've been doing things here and there, but avoiding most of the packing). The reason? I don't want to leave Helsinki (I WILL BE BACK....).
Been out to Raquels on Tuesday night, Agustin's on Wednesday night, Barri on Thursday night and Studio 51 on Friday night. Finally managed to sleep before I see sun rise last night, for the first time in a long time. The problem with sleeping more and being more sober is that your body will start to want to stay in the sleeping mood
Well now, time to move on to another location. Time to throw out the old baggages and put on the new.
Departure. I'm leaving Helsinki in 3 days. Still I haven't done much of anything about it (yes, I've been doing things here and there, but avoiding most of the packing). The reason? I don't want to leave Helsinki (I WILL BE BACK....).
Been out to Raquels on Tuesday night, Agustin's on Wednesday night, Barri on Thursday night and Studio 51 on Friday night. Finally managed to sleep before I see sun rise last night, for the first time in a long time. The problem with sleeping more and being more sober is that your body will start to want to stay in the sleeping mood
Well now, time to move on to another location. Time to throw out the old baggages and put on the new.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Johanna's farewell party May 12, 2006
Sometimes you find the most intimate connection in the least expected moment and places.
Positivity: 10
Pain of departure: 10
Of course... it doesn't mean that you are necessary an expressive person emotionally... (my biggest drawback)
5 hours after Dominik's last messege, I felt the first pang. I could practically see him get out of the airport and embrace his girlfriend in Lyon. Somehow my head played its own tunes for awhile.
Positivity: 10
Pain of departure: 10
I left for Johanna's. I promised to help her with cooking that day, and it will be the best party ever (turned out to be so as well). Didn't have time to dress up or anything so I just ran out with my summer travel and everything running in my head at the same time. Read on the bus, as always, as an attempt to calm myself down. As I walked to her place at Domus, I passed by a strawberry vender. Thinking that it would be the best thing to have at a party, and remembering something about Johanna loving strawberries (and fruit in general) I bought 2 kilo of this delicious fruit that I don't eat. As an another attempt to see if Finnish strawberry would make any difference in my unusual detest towards this particular fruit, I took one bit... and spend the rest of the walk toward Domus with a scrunched up face and a grand desire to go back in time and take the strawberry out. I DON'T LIKE STRAWBERRIES!!! (don't know when that happened.... but it just happened one day all of a sudden... ><) So I carried 2 kilo of sth I don't eat, bought 2 cake and an apple to appease the pain and a Geisha Ice cream cone to make myself fatter and happier, I landed at Johanna's at around 6 in the afternoon.
Positivity: 9 (strawberry knocked one down)
Pain of departure: 5 (I can't think about that anymore)
Johanna opened the door with the regular large smile. I must say, she's the most beautiful person I've met in Helsinki. In a way, she glows. We walked into her room loaded with goodies, and immediately fell to toasting bread and making sandwiches. This is for something like 12 people that evening, that means a lot of sandwhiches. First we did a tomatoe-mozzerella toast with a special cheese dressing Johanna made (absolutely delicious) and after several attempts to stack them nicely together, we started on the tuna-fish sandwiches, which turned out even more delicious. Then we made crackers with cheese, pear and grapes on them. It was deliciously fun, the cooking and the making. The grapes seriously looked like little worms. Joonas appeared almost at 8 sharp, as prescribed on Johanna's invitation. I was too busy with the decoration to pay attention anything, much less help Johanna entertain the guest (okay, I was as nervous as hell cuz if one showed up, that means the rest will be there soon, and I was only half way through the crackers!). As predicted, in about 30 minutes people started to pop up like bean spruts... So we hurriedly stashed everything in the frige and waited to see people enter the room. Kalle, Kirki, Eeva and her Dutch friends, Reima, Frank, Raimi (?), Tuuka, Julius and girlfriend, Silja and Aurelien.
"I know it's a bit insane, but we stacked it anyway!"
Postivity: 10 (With all these lovely people, how can it not be 10?)
Pain of departure: 0 (Too excited)
Shyness: 10 (Huhuhu... @>.<@)
It was an all-nighter. And a very major one. At first I was actually quite lost at what is going on, so the only thing I knew to do was to take care of everyone's basic needs aka food. Then I started to take pictures of everything, the food, the people, the talking and everything that I can see with my eyes (not necessarily with my Camera). The atmosphere was so beautiful, it glittered with little diamonds flying everywhere. Me and Johanna kept eyeing each other as we noted the separation between the Finns and the Dutch (Finns speaking Finnish, Dutch speaking Dutch) which puts the Hostess and the Hostess's little hand at lost (German and Taiwanese), okay, we have to do something about the situation. We planned to cut in between the Finns, but never quite got to it because very soon the rest of the people (the REIMA, the FRANK, and the KID!) all melted into the room with a swish. I sat down feeling quite relieved and left my attention to weird descriptions of the food.
It was a rather interesting situation, actually, I was the only Asian / Non-European within the room. The KID Rami seemed a bit surprised (the rest of the people already knew me) and I laughed a little inside at the expression he had when we were introduced. The rest of the night, until we left the room, the KID had been eyeing me with curiosity (hehe) until we stroke a conversation about the States. Adorable kid, missing the States just as much as I was. It's amazing how the US can do it, influence people so much that even if they are only there for so short a time as 1 year they can become so Americanized.
Reima heated the party up immediately with his fast and "dirty?" conversations (running most of it in Finnish, which kept making me ask for translations). Joonas was kind enough to explain everything to me for most of the night and since I am constantly out of the situation, it was even nicer of him to keep in somewhat in the situation. Whenever I am around a room like this I can really feel my introvertness as I sort of just shell myself together until someone speaks to me. As long as someone talks to me, I can carry on the conversation nicely, or the best to my ability, and as soon as people shut up around me, I feel a bit lost. >< For the night, Joonas kept the conversation going nicely and I felt quite comfortable and at ease even with my deathly headache. He seems like a very big brother kind of a person and quite very interesting. Like someone who really considers before he acts, thinks before he talks and is truely as calm as water. I get very curious with people like this, and I keep wondering what secrets they hold, what's behind the calmness, what's inside? This is the kind of a person that makes me genuinely want to know more about, like a very interesting book. It's fascinating! Listening to him talk is fascinating, especially the coolness with which he projects his opinions, so gentle that you don't find a way to pick up a fight or even barely a debate with him.
Positivity: 10 (DUH)
To be continued...
Positivity: 10
Pain of departure: 10
Of course... it doesn't mean that you are necessary an expressive person emotionally... (my biggest drawback)
5 hours after Dominik's last messege, I felt the first pang. I could practically see him get out of the airport and embrace his girlfriend in Lyon. Somehow my head played its own tunes for awhile.
Positivity: 10
Pain of departure: 10
I left for Johanna's. I promised to help her with cooking that day, and it will be the best party ever (turned out to be so as well). Didn't have time to dress up or anything so I just ran out with my summer travel and everything running in my head at the same time. Read on the bus, as always, as an attempt to calm myself down. As I walked to her place at Domus, I passed by a strawberry vender. Thinking that it would be the best thing to have at a party, and remembering something about Johanna loving strawberries (and fruit in general) I bought 2 kilo of this delicious fruit that I don't eat. As an another attempt to see if Finnish strawberry would make any difference in my unusual detest towards this particular fruit, I took one bit... and spend the rest of the walk toward Domus with a scrunched up face and a grand desire to go back in time and take the strawberry out. I DON'T LIKE STRAWBERRIES!!! (don't know when that happened.... but it just happened one day all of a sudden... ><) So I carried 2 kilo of sth I don't eat, bought 2 cake and an apple to appease the pain and a Geisha Ice cream cone to make myself fatter and happier, I landed at Johanna's at around 6 in the afternoon.
Positivity: 9 (strawberry knocked one down)
Pain of departure: 5 (I can't think about that anymore)
Johanna opened the door with the regular large smile. I must say, she's the most beautiful person I've met in Helsinki. In a way, she glows. We walked into her room loaded with goodies, and immediately fell to toasting bread and making sandwiches. This is for something like 12 people that evening, that means a lot of sandwhiches. First we did a tomatoe-mozzerella toast with a special cheese dressing Johanna made (absolutely delicious) and after several attempts to stack them nicely together, we started on the tuna-fish sandwiches, which turned out even more delicious. Then we made crackers with cheese, pear and grapes on them. It was deliciously fun, the cooking and the making. The grapes seriously looked like little worms. Joonas appeared almost at 8 sharp, as prescribed on Johanna's invitation. I was too busy with the decoration to pay attention anything, much less help Johanna entertain the guest (okay, I was as nervous as hell cuz if one showed up, that means the rest will be there soon, and I was only half way through the crackers!). As predicted, in about 30 minutes people started to pop up like bean spruts... So we hurriedly stashed everything in the frige and waited to see people enter the room. Kalle, Kirki, Eeva and her Dutch friends, Reima, Frank, Raimi (?), Tuuka, Julius and girlfriend, Silja and Aurelien.
"I know it's a bit insane, but we stacked it anyway!"
Postivity: 10 (With all these lovely people, how can it not be 10?)
Pain of departure: 0 (Too excited)
Shyness: 10 (Huhuhu... @>.<@)
It was an all-nighter. And a very major one. At first I was actually quite lost at what is going on, so the only thing I knew to do was to take care of everyone's basic needs aka food. Then I started to take pictures of everything, the food, the people, the talking and everything that I can see with my eyes (not necessarily with my Camera). The atmosphere was so beautiful, it glittered with little diamonds flying everywhere. Me and Johanna kept eyeing each other as we noted the separation between the Finns and the Dutch (Finns speaking Finnish, Dutch speaking Dutch) which puts the Hostess and the Hostess's little hand at lost (German and Taiwanese), okay, we have to do something about the situation. We planned to cut in between the Finns, but never quite got to it because very soon the rest of the people (the REIMA, the FRANK, and the KID!) all melted into the room with a swish. I sat down feeling quite relieved and left my attention to weird descriptions of the food.
It was a rather interesting situation, actually, I was the only Asian / Non-European within the room. The KID Rami seemed a bit surprised (the rest of the people already knew me) and I laughed a little inside at the expression he had when we were introduced. The rest of the night, until we left the room, the KID had been eyeing me with curiosity (hehe) until we stroke a conversation about the States. Adorable kid, missing the States just as much as I was. It's amazing how the US can do it, influence people so much that even if they are only there for so short a time as 1 year they can become so Americanized.
Reima heated the party up immediately with his fast and "dirty?" conversations (running most of it in Finnish, which kept making me ask for translations). Joonas was kind enough to explain everything to me for most of the night and since I am constantly out of the situation, it was even nicer of him to keep in somewhat in the situation. Whenever I am around a room like this I can really feel my introvertness as I sort of just shell myself together until someone speaks to me. As long as someone talks to me, I can carry on the conversation nicely, or the best to my ability, and as soon as people shut up around me, I feel a bit lost. >< For the night, Joonas kept the conversation going nicely and I felt quite comfortable and at ease even with my deathly headache. He seems like a very big brother kind of a person and quite very interesting. Like someone who really considers before he acts, thinks before he talks and is truely as calm as water. I get very curious with people like this, and I keep wondering what secrets they hold, what's behind the calmness, what's inside? This is the kind of a person that makes me genuinely want to know more about, like a very interesting book. It's fascinating! Listening to him talk is fascinating, especially the coolness with which he projects his opinions, so gentle that you don't find a way to pick up a fight or even barely a debate with him.
Positivity: 10 (DUH)
To be continued...
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