Thursday, November 23, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Ashes to Life, a Pheonix's Turn
They say that the star sign of Scorpio symbolizes the life cycle of a Pheonix. That beautiful creature which is know to forever burn, like a fire that never dies, until to ashes it turns, then from the ashes comes new life. There's also another saying that the Pheonix grows more and more beautiful in each turn, each wheel of fortune, it grows lovely new feathers. It's one of the most fascinating creatures of the ancient myths, and a definite favorite for me, right after the dangerous but loving Scorpions.
When I was a child, I had a dream. In this dream, there was a man. He was special, but he was dangerous all the same. Sometimes we have problems separating dreams and realities, but then, sometimes it's okay that way. His hair was long and dark, like the night, a jet black. His pose was strong and tall, like a statue that never falls. His complexion was calm and gentle, but still stern and strong. He had a braide that never fell apart, and his hair was like Scorpion's tail, for he was Scorpio, the Prince of another world (that was a fantastic dream, btw). He in turn came and came and came to my dreams. First as the bad man, then his position changed. He had his reasons for being as he was, he wasn't mean because he was bad in the core, he was serious and strict because he wanted what is the best for everyone else. In my first dream he nearly killed another man, a more charming man who had everyone's adoration, during a competition for the hand of the princess (and of course, in my dream, that would be me~ duh~). The charmer of course lost the competition, but as it turned out, he was not charming for no reason, he had his ambitions in this world, and they are not necessarily good.
(How did I get here?)
Like a Scorpion, calm and cool, but like a Pheonix, burning in the heart. Ashes to life, a Pheonix's turn. Always disciplined, always strict, always with rules, but not lacking the passion to accomplish what they started, even if it means to drown in an ever lasting death-life cycle.
---
That was back in November. Here's the December part of the story.
Part of the drive is gone. Replacing it, is a persistance to accomplish something, even a minor something. Just finish one thing, then carry on to the other, and eventually things will pile together. No more fantasies. Let face the realities.
Burned to ashes, entirely and literately. Suffocated, dying, drying up like a piece of cloth put by the fire.
Will I rise again like the great Pheonix, the figure representing Scorpio? A very important representation of my constellations?
When I was a child, I had a dream. In this dream, there was a man. He was special, but he was dangerous all the same. Sometimes we have problems separating dreams and realities, but then, sometimes it's okay that way. His hair was long and dark, like the night, a jet black. His pose was strong and tall, like a statue that never falls. His complexion was calm and gentle, but still stern and strong. He had a braide that never fell apart, and his hair was like Scorpion's tail, for he was Scorpio, the Prince of another world (that was a fantastic dream, btw). He in turn came and came and came to my dreams. First as the bad man, then his position changed. He had his reasons for being as he was, he wasn't mean because he was bad in the core, he was serious and strict because he wanted what is the best for everyone else. In my first dream he nearly killed another man, a more charming man who had everyone's adoration, during a competition for the hand of the princess (and of course, in my dream, that would be me~ duh~). The charmer of course lost the competition, but as it turned out, he was not charming for no reason, he had his ambitions in this world, and they are not necessarily good.
(How did I get here?)
Like a Scorpion, calm and cool, but like a Pheonix, burning in the heart. Ashes to life, a Pheonix's turn. Always disciplined, always strict, always with rules, but not lacking the passion to accomplish what they started, even if it means to drown in an ever lasting death-life cycle.
---
That was back in November. Here's the December part of the story.
Part of the drive is gone. Replacing it, is a persistance to accomplish something, even a minor something. Just finish one thing, then carry on to the other, and eventually things will pile together. No more fantasies. Let face the realities.
Burned to ashes, entirely and literately. Suffocated, dying, drying up like a piece of cloth put by the fire.
Will I rise again like the great Pheonix, the figure representing Scorpio? A very important representation of my constellations?
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Reality
I see the problem loud and clear now, why I feel so lost.
I left my reality somewhere else, my heart isn't here with me. My heart is out there, all over the place. Just not here on this little island anymore. My reality isn't here, so for me, this place isn't real. To adapt to a place that isn't real isn't easy, that is a problem. Or more like, it is the city that isn't real, as it is a city I've barely ever lived in, and definitely never travelled around in. I live in circles, Home, work, school. How am I to establish a reality so?
Then all my friends are away, faraway, only connected by the Internet. If there's no one for me to physically touch and speak to here, how is my reality to be here? I am isolated, too much over-worked to be able to do anything else.
That is the issue at hand to be solved. To get out (I say this every time I am here) to get there (Finland, Germany, US) to get back to what is real to me. To get myself out of a misty nightmare/dream.
I left my reality somewhere else, my heart isn't here with me. My heart is out there, all over the place. Just not here on this little island anymore. My reality isn't here, so for me, this place isn't real. To adapt to a place that isn't real isn't easy, that is a problem. Or more like, it is the city that isn't real, as it is a city I've barely ever lived in, and definitely never travelled around in. I live in circles, Home, work, school. How am I to establish a reality so?
Then all my friends are away, faraway, only connected by the Internet. If there's no one for me to physically touch and speak to here, how is my reality to be here? I am isolated, too much over-worked to be able to do anything else.
That is the issue at hand to be solved. To get out (I say this every time I am here) to get there (Finland, Germany, US) to get back to what is real to me. To get myself out of a misty nightmare/dream.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
Paradise Lost
Let's see if my horrible attempt at the computer world which I am least familiar with (perhaps only comparible with the business world) will suffice at least enough for me to prompt myself into studying it with more confidence than I would should I be pealing an egg under 1 minute (can never make them look... whole, for that matter). My and my vanity needs reconfirmations every now and then. Better now than then.
Paradise Lost. What a most appropriete title for an article on this blog. The first thing that might have popped into you fellas' head when reading this ambigious title on my board is a direct link to John Milton, who's Paradise Lost I once praised as high quality pornography of the 1600s. (For those at NTU, I certainly now regret not being a studen of Michael Keaton, we would have made quite a teacher/student pair. For those not from NTU, you would have expected for me to say that anyways.) Despite all expectations, I must fail you all this once again. Of course, it won't necessarily be "Forever Failure", but then, I do tend to fail people's expectations for the hell of it.
Born in 1988, in the city of Helifax (Quite interesting city, actually... ) They were considered (or so says the internet sources) as the start of "death/doom" metal. Well... I do have to say some of their tunes... really sound... depressing. But then, I don't know that much about them. I'm new at metal... (that's why I am writing this... to try to build up my own little information bank concerning METAL). They are also considered the start of "Gothic Metal" <-- now, this... is what went around Finland, right? All the... "Goths" (Come to think of it, my first childhood relationship was with a guy who was a "GOTH"... I was destined for Metal all my life... :P)
Paradise Lost is a Metal Band (if you haven't figured this part out,... hit yourself once). I apparently found them quite favorable (if you haven't found that out... hit yourself twice). They started out back in the 80s, and is still producing this day (last Album would be... 2006... this year... :P). Come to think of it, I actually had thought of buying them when I was in Finland cuz the cover of their newest album was just... gorgeous! But didn't, cuz... u know how much albums cost in Finland.
Vocal Nick Holmes has a rather... coarse voice (okay, maybe my hearing impairment) but I guess that's what he's aiming for, a very... booming voice. Deep... and booming... makes you think of deserts, or graves, actually... or at least it made me think of deserts and graves. Yet, in some songs he's got a clear voice. A rather high voice. High and... clean. Clean and smooth... like cold water running.
I found this MV online (YouTube) which was commented as a must see. After seeing it, I kind of get why it's a must see. The way it was made, it's... so... depressing that it nearly dragged me right back into the future of my graves. Especially the moments when Holmes was burried into the ground alive. Precisely the sensation given to us by the present day world. Suffocating. I felt as if I was the one being burried.
While I was looking through wikipedia (lovely place) for information on Paradise Lost (determined to study METAL) :P I can across something equally interesting... Necrophilia. I've always had a very perversing interest for very perversing topics. It is probably most clear in my writing and stories. The general comment is, "Naomi, I like your writings, but... they're just kind of weird." I read about this serial murder called Christies (his name is definitely too long) during the 1940's/50's in Helifax, England. He was abused as a child, and grew to relate sexual feelings with corpses. In fact, he was impotent with most women, except those he can gain total control over. He would strangle women either during sex or before sex. It is very disgusting, I admit, but it also makes me interested in what's going on in his head, why he became like that and how he felt like when doing what he did.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Down and Up
Picking life back up together from where I fell.
And I fell hard, smack. All the way back to ground zero, just like the day I arrived in the States. The first exam I took back in Taiwan. The first time I met Alexia.
Straight back to ground zero, straight from unmoving confidents to absolute doubt of self. Straight from one reality to another, two side of a flipping coin. This was a hard fall, and again I am faced with the same question, what to do, how to recover?
For a week I sulked, I sulked horribly. I took it out on everyone and anyone who came across my path. I dreaded everything, and I was frightened to the core. Ivo took most of it, then my family took the rest, then a last, but most poisonest drop, straight into my soul. Poison is intoxicating, and once taken, its addictive makes it hard for people to climb out of it. Yet, maybe that's the one thing I can be proud of myself about, I never die, I shrug and then I say, I'll do better.
When I first arrived in the States, they wanted to put me in the mental retarded class. Considering the fact that I knew absolutely nothing, had hearing problems, and definitely answered the wrong answer when someone asked me what my name was, it was easy to assume so. At that time, however, I didn't care, I assumed myself as a genius despite other's opinions, and refused their special offer. Call it child prodigy if you may, I aced math (they were learning subtraction, and I did that in kindergarten), and then got N/A for everything else. It's a wonder I got passed third grade (the second time) and moved on to fourth. At least I managed to write a play, directed it, and differentiated he/she/I/me/them/it before I left my third grade classroom. Oh, and I infected the whole school with the disease of calling everyone "freaks" in Chinese, cuz they thought it was the way Chinese people said hi to each other. Well... the last I would see of them... :P
By the time I was leaving the States, I've built up quite a confidence, maybe a little too much confidence, as an "acer". Those were the good old days, when I literately "aced" everything, straight through sixth and seventh grade. Got enrolled in eighthgrade art class, and was proclaimed by my sixth grade teacher as her favorite student (and do please be amazed that I haven't been in contact with her... for ages). Okay, Taiwan next. If there is a God, he has a way with people. He would never let you have your fill of glory and then walk off happy. At the height of every one of your success, he's going to click a switch and throw you right back in hell. Of course, you're the one who defines hell, and, well... I never really liked heaven that much either... :P
The first exam I had when I got back to Taiwan, do mind that I was enrolled (with my previous grades as proof) in the best class of one of the best middle school in Taichung. That's pretty good for a start, a classful of students who aces everything. I got 25 in math, and a talk with the Chinese teacher (instead of a grade, cuz I simply weren't "gradable"), then I don't want to talk about the rest.... My math... was prehistoric, compared to the rest of the class... and my grade... exotic to my fellow students. There were actually even talks of whether or not I should be placed into the easiest class in the whole school... (AGAIN!) Along with my tendencies of acting different, rather un-understandable (no, I'm not trying to create new "un-existing" words like BUSH), odd... and sometimes extremely idiotic (laughing out loud, running into walls and doors cuz of balance problems, hard of hearing... etc.) it is again understandable that my fellow students would have those reactions. Yet, as a kid, we don't sulk, we see a problem and we find a solution... so... I decided to ace it. I hate it when people think of me less than who I think of myself, and I do think quite a lot of myself... I'm very narcissist, you know... At least up to the point of acting idiotic... that, I have major problems with. Got into the second best high school in town, won an English speech contest (yes, other contestants also had the same English abilities)...
I have a way of starting low, and then slowly grow. I'm a grower, not a glower. When I got into NTU (with everyone's owe!), I was as proud as heck. You can call me an arrogant bastard, but I had my reasons for most of it. English related classes were never hard for me, classes were never hard for me, as a matter of fact. People were my problems, and laziness was another. I was too proud, too proud to work hard at all. Until I met Alexia. She was something different, someone who wasn't just a grower, but also a glower. Next to her, I was a grass, and her the beautiful flower, and again I was deep down in the pits, and this time, a very deep one. One I can't say I've grown entirely out of, but I've grown to see it differently. She had her beauty, but I had mine. We are beautiful in different ways.
For years, I've been bitter. Since university, I've been rather bitter. It got considerably worse during the first month of my work in Taiwan. I disliked everything, and I definitely disliked everything. This is probably the biggest fall in my life, because I never really climb out of it. I just fell back every time I meet an obstacle, since Alexia, I've just been falling and falling and falling back. Part of me gave up on trying, part of me was just frightened.
I watched a movie today about a girl who never lets anyone close to her enough to hurt her. Not really hurt her. I believe that was a comment I had from one of my former boyfriend. Actually, more than one of my former boyfriend. I am not a very persistant person, and when I get bored, I want to change. I never open my heart, hence I always end up surprising people. My psych friends calls me the most unpredictable person they know. And anyone who thinks they know me well normally will end up thinking they were wrong. No one knew me, even my own mother. Not because no one wanted to, I am sure many people wanted to. But, I never let anyone in. If I want to think of the most touching moment of my life, it goes all the way back to when I was seven years old. When I think of the time when I genuinely cared about people, that was still when I was seven years old. Since I start moving around the world (grrrr) I've been locking myself up. I react as people expects for me to react, as how I believe my roommates would expect of me (my famous phrase being, "I had to cry, because she came in expecting me to be crying").
They say when you fall deep deep down, God would give you a hand if you really want it, and bring you back up. At the beginning of my trip around Europe, I prayed to God. Well, I prayed to God to find me a lovely German guy (typical Naomi) who would be willing to follow me around the world, someone who'd make me stop and think about my heart, my life, my everything. Someone I'd listen to, someone I'd follow, someone I'd give in to. Someone light haired and German. It's funny how life is. Maybe God does exist...
--
Maybe God does exist... Ivo Harms...
--
Back to the ups and downs... Here is a reason for me to be up for, a reason for myself. It's not something someone expects of me, nor is it some unrealistic dream to conquer the world. It's simple, and it's relatively quite average, but it is real. It is something really worthy to think about, something about what I really want in my life. So, from here on, it's going to go up, not quickly, not madly, just gently and slowly. At an even pace. I don't know how yet, I don't even know why, but I know it's going to go up...
Like my horoscope says... I am like a firebird, I am born of the ashes... And each time, the brighter I burn again...
And I fell hard, smack. All the way back to ground zero, just like the day I arrived in the States. The first exam I took back in Taiwan. The first time I met Alexia.
Straight back to ground zero, straight from unmoving confidents to absolute doubt of self. Straight from one reality to another, two side of a flipping coin. This was a hard fall, and again I am faced with the same question, what to do, how to recover?
For a week I sulked, I sulked horribly. I took it out on everyone and anyone who came across my path. I dreaded everything, and I was frightened to the core. Ivo took most of it, then my family took the rest, then a last, but most poisonest drop, straight into my soul. Poison is intoxicating, and once taken, its addictive makes it hard for people to climb out of it. Yet, maybe that's the one thing I can be proud of myself about, I never die, I shrug and then I say, I'll do better.
When I first arrived in the States, they wanted to put me in the mental retarded class. Considering the fact that I knew absolutely nothing, had hearing problems, and definitely answered the wrong answer when someone asked me what my name was, it was easy to assume so. At that time, however, I didn't care, I assumed myself as a genius despite other's opinions, and refused their special offer. Call it child prodigy if you may, I aced math (they were learning subtraction, and I did that in kindergarten), and then got N/A for everything else. It's a wonder I got passed third grade (the second time) and moved on to fourth. At least I managed to write a play, directed it, and differentiated he/she/I/me/them/it before I left my third grade classroom. Oh, and I infected the whole school with the disease of calling everyone "freaks" in Chinese, cuz they thought it was the way Chinese people said hi to each other. Well... the last I would see of them... :P
By the time I was leaving the States, I've built up quite a confidence, maybe a little too much confidence, as an "acer". Those were the good old days, when I literately "aced" everything, straight through sixth and seventh grade. Got enrolled in eighthgrade art class, and was proclaimed by my sixth grade teacher as her favorite student (and do please be amazed that I haven't been in contact with her... for ages). Okay, Taiwan next. If there is a God, he has a way with people. He would never let you have your fill of glory and then walk off happy. At the height of every one of your success, he's going to click a switch and throw you right back in hell. Of course, you're the one who defines hell, and, well... I never really liked heaven that much either... :P
The first exam I had when I got back to Taiwan, do mind that I was enrolled (with my previous grades as proof) in the best class of one of the best middle school in Taichung. That's pretty good for a start, a classful of students who aces everything. I got 25 in math, and a talk with the Chinese teacher (instead of a grade, cuz I simply weren't "gradable"), then I don't want to talk about the rest.... My math... was prehistoric, compared to the rest of the class... and my grade... exotic to my fellow students. There were actually even talks of whether or not I should be placed into the easiest class in the whole school... (AGAIN!) Along with my tendencies of acting different, rather un-understandable (no, I'm not trying to create new "un-existing" words like BUSH), odd... and sometimes extremely idiotic (laughing out loud, running into walls and doors cuz of balance problems, hard of hearing... etc.) it is again understandable that my fellow students would have those reactions. Yet, as a kid, we don't sulk, we see a problem and we find a solution... so... I decided to ace it. I hate it when people think of me less than who I think of myself, and I do think quite a lot of myself... I'm very narcissist, you know... At least up to the point of acting idiotic... that, I have major problems with. Got into the second best high school in town, won an English speech contest (yes, other contestants also had the same English abilities)...
I have a way of starting low, and then slowly grow. I'm a grower, not a glower. When I got into NTU (with everyone's owe!), I was as proud as heck. You can call me an arrogant bastard, but I had my reasons for most of it. English related classes were never hard for me, classes were never hard for me, as a matter of fact. People were my problems, and laziness was another. I was too proud, too proud to work hard at all. Until I met Alexia. She was something different, someone who wasn't just a grower, but also a glower. Next to her, I was a grass, and her the beautiful flower, and again I was deep down in the pits, and this time, a very deep one. One I can't say I've grown entirely out of, but I've grown to see it differently. She had her beauty, but I had mine. We are beautiful in different ways.
For years, I've been bitter. Since university, I've been rather bitter. It got considerably worse during the first month of my work in Taiwan. I disliked everything, and I definitely disliked everything. This is probably the biggest fall in my life, because I never really climb out of it. I just fell back every time I meet an obstacle, since Alexia, I've just been falling and falling and falling back. Part of me gave up on trying, part of me was just frightened.
I watched a movie today about a girl who never lets anyone close to her enough to hurt her. Not really hurt her. I believe that was a comment I had from one of my former boyfriend. Actually, more than one of my former boyfriend. I am not a very persistant person, and when I get bored, I want to change. I never open my heart, hence I always end up surprising people. My psych friends calls me the most unpredictable person they know. And anyone who thinks they know me well normally will end up thinking they were wrong. No one knew me, even my own mother. Not because no one wanted to, I am sure many people wanted to. But, I never let anyone in. If I want to think of the most touching moment of my life, it goes all the way back to when I was seven years old. When I think of the time when I genuinely cared about people, that was still when I was seven years old. Since I start moving around the world (grrrr) I've been locking myself up. I react as people expects for me to react, as how I believe my roommates would expect of me (my famous phrase being, "I had to cry, because she came in expecting me to be crying").
They say when you fall deep deep down, God would give you a hand if you really want it, and bring you back up. At the beginning of my trip around Europe, I prayed to God. Well, I prayed to God to find me a lovely German guy (typical Naomi) who would be willing to follow me around the world, someone who'd make me stop and think about my heart, my life, my everything. Someone I'd listen to, someone I'd follow, someone I'd give in to. Someone light haired and German. It's funny how life is. Maybe God does exist...
--
Maybe God does exist... Ivo Harms...
--
Back to the ups and downs... Here is a reason for me to be up for, a reason for myself. It's not something someone expects of me, nor is it some unrealistic dream to conquer the world. It's simple, and it's relatively quite average, but it is real. It is something really worthy to think about, something about what I really want in my life. So, from here on, it's going to go up, not quickly, not madly, just gently and slowly. At an even pace. I don't know how yet, I don't even know why, but I know it's going to go up...
Like my horoscope says... I am like a firebird, I am born of the ashes... And each time, the brighter I burn again...
Friday, November 03, 2006
Desparation
Just a little higher, just a little closer.
When will the emptiness be gone? When will my soul rest?
When will my tears stop to flow? When will my eyes dry?
When will I feel the reality again? Instead of just the untouchable fantasies.
Time goes by so slow. Just so slow.
When will the emptiness be gone? When will my soul rest?
When will my tears stop to flow? When will my eyes dry?
When will I feel the reality again? Instead of just the untouchable fantasies.
Time goes by so slow. Just so slow.
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