Departure

It's been chaotic since a few weeks ago, all the partying, all the nights out, all the... everything.

Departure. I'm leaving Helsinki in 3 days. Still I haven't done much of anything about it (yes, I've been doing things here and there, but avoiding most of the packing). The reason? I don't want to leave Helsinki (I WILL BE BACK....).

Been out to Raquels on Tuesday night, Agustin's on Wednesday night, Barri on Thursday night and Studio 51 on Friday night. Finally managed to sleep before I see sun rise last night, for the first time in a long time. The problem with sleeping more and being more sober is that your body will start to want to stay in the sleeping mood

Well now, time to move on to another location. Time to throw out the old baggages and put on the new.

Johanna's farewell party May 12, 2006

Sometimes you find the most intimate connection in the least expected moment and places.

Positivity: 10
Pain of departure: 10

Of course... it doesn't mean that you are necessary an expressive person emotionally... (my biggest drawback)

5 hours after Dominik's last messege, I felt the first pang. I could practically see him get out of the airport and embrace his girlfriend in Lyon. Somehow my head played its own tunes for awhile.

Positivity: 10
Pain of departure: 10

I left for Johanna's. I promised to help her with cooking that day, and it will be the best party ever (turned out to be so as well). Didn't have time to dress up or anything so I just ran out with my summer travel and everything running in my head at the same time. Read on the bus, as always, as an attempt to calm myself down. As I walked to her place at Domus, I passed by a strawberry vender. Thinking that it would be the best thing to have at a party, and remembering something about Johanna loving strawberries (and fruit in general) I bought 2 kilo of this delicious fruit that I don't eat. As an another attempt to see if Finnish strawberry would make any difference in my unusual detest towards this particular fruit, I took one bit... and spend the rest of the walk toward Domus with a scrunched up face and a grand desire to go back in time and take the strawberry out. I DON'T LIKE STRAWBERRIES!!! (don't know when that happened.... but it just happened one day all of a sudden... ><) So I carried 2 kilo of sth I don't eat, bought 2 cake and an apple to appease the pain and a Geisha Ice cream cone to make myself fatter and happier, I landed at Johanna's at around 6 in the afternoon.

Positivity: 9 (strawberry knocked one down)
Pain of departure: 5 (I can't think about that anymore)

Johanna opened the door with the regular large smile. I must say, she's the most beautiful person I've met in Helsinki. In a way, she glows. We walked into her room loaded with goodies, and immediately fell to toasting bread and making sandwiches. This is for something like 12 people that evening, that means a lot of sandwhiches. First we did a tomatoe-mozzerella toast with a special cheese dressing Johanna made (absolutely delicious) and after several attempts to stack them nicely together, we started on the tuna-fish sandwiches, which turned out even more delicious. Then we made crackers with cheese, pear and grapes on them. It was deliciously fun, the cooking and the making. The grapes seriously looked like little worms. Joonas appeared almost at 8 sharp, as prescribed on Johanna's invitation. I was too busy with the decoration to pay attention anything, much less help Johanna entertain the guest (okay, I was as nervous as hell cuz if one showed up, that means the rest will be there soon, and I was only half way through the crackers!). As predicted, in about 30 minutes people started to pop up like bean spruts... So we hurriedly stashed everything in the frige and waited to see people enter the room. Kalle, Kirki, Eeva and her Dutch friends, Reima, Frank, Raimi (?), Tuuka, Julius and girlfriend, Silja and Aurelien.


"I know it's a bit insane, but we stacked it anyway!"









Postivity: 10 (With all these lovely people, how can it not be 10?)
Pain of departure: 0 (Too excited)
Shyness: 10 (Huhuhu... @>.<@)

It was an all-nighter. And a very major one. At first I was actually quite lost at what is going on, so the only thing I knew to do was to take care of everyone's basic needs aka food. Then I started to take pictures of everything, the food, the people, the talking and everything that I can see with my eyes (not necessarily with my Camera). The atmosphere was so beautiful, it glittered with little diamonds flying everywhere. Me and Johanna kept eyeing each other as we noted the separation between the Finns and the Dutch (Finns speaking Finnish, Dutch speaking Dutch) which puts the Hostess and the Hostess's little hand at lost (German and Taiwanese), okay, we have to do something about the situation. We planned to cut in between the Finns, but never quite got to it because very soon the rest of the people (the REIMA, the FRANK, and the KID!) all melted into the room with a swish. I sat down feeling quite relieved and left my attention to weird descriptions of the food.

It was a rather interesting situation, actually, I was the only Asian / Non-European within the room. The KID Rami seemed a bit surprised (the rest of the people already knew me) and I laughed a little inside at the expression he had when we were introduced. The rest of the night, until we left the room, the KID had been eyeing me with curiosity (hehe) until we stroke a conversation about the States. Adorable kid, missing the States just as much as I was. It's amazing how the US can do it, influence people so much that even if they are only there for so short a time as 1 year they can become so Americanized.

Reima heated the party up immediately with his fast and "dirty?" conversations (running most of it in Finnish, which kept making me ask for translations). Joonas was kind enough to explain everything to me for most of the night and since I am constantly out of the situation, it was even nicer of him to keep in somewhat in the situation. Whenever I am around a room like this I can really feel my introvertness as I sort of just shell myself together until someone speaks to me. As long as someone talks to me, I can carry on the conversation nicely, or the best to my ability, and as soon as people shut up around me, I feel a bit lost. >< For the night, Joonas kept the conversation going nicely and I felt quite comfortable and at ease even with my deathly headache. He seems like a very big brother kind of a person and quite very interesting. Like someone who really considers before he acts, thinks before he talks and is truely as calm as water. I get very curious with people like this, and I keep wondering what secrets they hold, what's behind the calmness, what's inside? This is the kind of a person that makes me genuinely want to know more about, like a very interesting book. It's fascinating! Listening to him talk is fascinating, especially the coolness with which he projects his opinions, so gentle that you don't find a way to pick up a fight or even barely a debate with him.

Positivity: 10 (DUH)

To be continued...

Vanha May 11 Thursday

The original plan was to sit brooding over everyone’s departure for the next two days before trying to pick myself back together and move on. Dominik is leaving, Johanna is leaving, I’m leaving and Rod had already left. This is the best Thursday to sit in the dark of the room (if there’s anymore of that left in Finland) and think of all the good times and all the better times that had passed. It’s the end of an Era, this was the phrase I had been given a year ago in Taiwan. That was the end of the Era of Abnormality. This is the end of the Era of Exchanged Individuality. The end of extreme diversity, the mixture of Europe and Asia. It’s the end of my search for a cultural identity, the end of my search for my own existence. Who am I? What does that matter now? I am who I am, and I will be just that. Quite a lot for me to mourn over, despite all the happy smile on the surface. I should be now folding Finland into the memory lane and letting it mold in the coldness of the heart. Yet, magically, miraculously, I am swirled into something more, something deeper, something more sensational then just an ending. I was thrown into a beginning. Nothing has ended, everything had just begun.

Sometimes we find MSN to be a bugging thing, and recently, I have been less reliant on it, and it has became a less bugging thing. I guess if you keep a distance from things, you will find it far more beautiful because of the distance, because it becomes more foreign, more exotic, more “interesting”. I suppose that’s the way with everything, except for a few things. A few things in life are just so beautiful that the closer you get to it, the more beautiful it gets. Such is a city like Helsinki. The closer I get to Helsinki, the more beautiful Helsinki got for me. It was love at first sight, boredom in the middle, and sweetness in the end. Like one of those candies I used to love so much, sour at first, then sweet till you’re bored with it, then the mellowed after taste that makes you want another one in your mouth. I want Helsinki in my mouth, again and again and again.

My MSN blinked “Moika!”. It was the happy glee of Johanna. From my aesthetic view for human kind, she is absolutely beautiful. Sometimes I just can’t get enough of her beauty, her passion, her insanity, her intensity. We are all characters of extreme, and that’s the most beautiful thing in the world, characters of extreme. I praise her extreme and eat it up like sugar. There was a student gig at Vanha that evening. I don’t know what Vanha is about and I certainly don’t know what’s special about student gigs. You see, I am not a person well acquintant with music, especially not with rock music. So far my realm had always been quite limited to the quiet sphere of Chinese traditional music (meditative, indeed). For the morning I had been quiet missing the beautiful instruments I had grown quite attached to in Taiwan, after witnessing a tiny performance by Korean students in the Finnish Literature Society downtown near the University. It was a great seminar on Shamanism in Korea, something very close to the Taoist activities in Taiwan which I had been secretly quite fond of (not quite in fashion for us to express that fondness and I had been far too frightened to go entirely against fashion).

Helsinki in May is like a city that never sleeps. Since Vappu I had rarely been home for anything other than sleeping. Since Vappu there’s been nothing on my mind other than the excitement of being out and around (well, since I have lived out of my parents’ home it’s been practically impossible to find me at any place called home). I marched out of Aleksanderia with Johanna half asleep. Can’t seem to wake up in day-time, not to a full awakefulness. My mind is always in its own dream world, with weird thoughts and ideas running in different undirected directions. The day was still young and bright, it’s already eight in the evening, but nonetheless, I can feel the sun biting at my forehead (my worst fear). So far, I had already gone from fairly pale to nicely toasted. It will take only under a week more of this sun before I turn quite browned, ready to be taken out of the oven (and then I’ll be in the Spanish sun, which will certainly leave me nicely over-cooked). Holding a large sandwich in my hand we strolled into Kulpula, the student house near the Political Science Department on Unioninkatu 37. Despite my hate for any artificial green color, I threw a bottle of greenish Mountain Dew into Johanna’s bag, that’s for the night, to keep me awake (already two large coffee, but sleep is still on the edge of invasion). There sitting outside in the undimming light was the group of philosophy students I’ve come to love. Just watch them talk with each other, talk with hands waving, voices rising, emotions running. It’s like watching poetry in display, full throttle. We sat on the edge of the breaking biking rails, and waited for the “GOD” Reima to introduce us to modern ticket shopping: delivered right into your face, if not forced. Each of us paid the 4 euro expected, cheap, since it’s still only a student thing. He was the main force behind the evening, the power driving Dilemma into a deeper Dilemma. We waited for the philosophers to gather their instruments (beers) together and then randomly transported the group towards Vanha at Mannerheimintie.

Vanha is the old student house now transformed into the performancing space for students of Helsinki University. Public spaces of this sort promote the artistic growth of a community much in need. It gives everyone the chance to express their imaginations and receive the audience every artist craves. I crave this kind of a space, though I do not yet consider myself qualifying as an artist. Where’s all the confidence from? Just the desire to be known for the beauty they create, perhaps. Do I also wish to be known? Or maybe I am just afraid of the criticisms and rejections. Why be afraid when all these can only help you progress further, become better and go higher? The performing space consists of a nicely closed stage with a common ground large enough for music maniacs to jump and dance about. The acoustics of the room might not be the best in the world, but for students, enough is enough to fulfill our souls. It takes only a small gesture to fill a person with warmth, with a room that can fit 500 people, it’s definitely enough to over-tip our hearts with warm bubbles. The day is still young outside and in the balcony people crowded in waiting. What are we waiting for?

When I look at these people all gathered together for sake of listening to three student bands, I wonder each person’s intentions. There are people who madly talk about music like as if it is all their life’s worth. I wonder about these people. What are their intentions? What is all this emotion for? Are they really crazy about the music, or maybe it was just fashionable to act this way. What’s with all the eccentricity in each person in the balcony? Why do we dress differently, talk about art like as if we know them? Maybe because it holds us closer, bonds us together, or maybe because we’re so afraid to be not a part of the group that we grasp whatever we can to hold us together. How many people here really am in love with the music because they are in love with it? How many of these people will spend all the rest of their life in love with the music? I know that I am standing with the crowd that will always be in love with these music. At least, I know for certain that Johanna will. That her friends, Tukka, Reima, Mika all will.

The concert started with Prologue. I really don’t care if people call them more pop than underground. What’s this point about the underground being more aesthetic than pop? Why praise Indies more than general trend? Why do we always try to seem different when being different doesn’t mean being yourself? Being able to enjoy every moment, up or down, same or different, that’s what really is beautiful about life. Being able to enjoy the winter and embrace the summer, that’s truly the beauty of Helsinki. I cannot say I love Helsinki without saying that I also love the winter darkness. It makes Helsinki all the more Helsinki. Somehow that’s what seemed so beautiful about Prologue. It drew me, it pulled me, it practically dragged me. Actually I don’t remember the rest of the band, I only remember the keyboard / vocal. Something about him pulled me from the bystander to the center front of the group. There was magic in the air and I felt it slowly fill all the loose particle in my body until I felt so full I didn’t know if I should cry or smile, so I smiled with tears ready to flow. It wasn’t the uplifting feeling the second band Soma gave me, but it was something a bit different, it was as if I was being talked to, as if the band played only for me. The vocal Timo, from where I stood, seemed to radiant towards the crowd, a crowd that I could no longer feel or see. The music spoke to me in a soft way, spoke to me in a loud way, spoke to me in a romantic way. It asked me if I knew what I wanted in life, it asked if I really understood it, it asked me if I am being who I am, it asked me if I understood what love and passion is, it asked me to step a bit closer and closer and closer and feel its intimacy. So what other thing could I do but to step a bit closer, and more closer, and then fix myself where I wanted to be. Move on, move on, move on, the music seemed to be telling me, move on in life, move on and be where you want to be and then stay there, stay there and stay there, it said, stay there until you can feel it all, everything around you and nothing around you, but that which touches you, which wakens you and puts you to sleep. What can be more beautiful then that translucent stage between light and darkness, wake and sleep, together and lost?



When they played “Apple Tree” I was in every way thrilled. It was like as if destiny just called to me. In a way I was out of place, wearing my traditional Chinese silk top standing in the middle of a Finnish crowd listening to a Finnish band. In another way, I was in the right place, listening to a song called “Apple Tree”. My whole writing had been thrown around the idea of Apple Tree, that I am a little apple in the collection of many large apples, waiting to be picked, tasted and forbiddened and accepted. Who will now come and stand under my apple tree? Who will take an apple from me?

Priming

Had been reading a book called "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, which suggested a few interesting ideas (I'm only on the second part so far, but it's already quite thrilling). Johanna said that she disliked books of this type, but I dig them because they are what the general public reads, therefore, something that I need to read (meaning, I will soon be reading Harry Potter as well). It was a book suggested by Tom Sanders in his book "Love is the Killer App" which was also a fascinating book (I'm about to finish that one today).

There was a concept of "priming" suggested by Gladwell which concerns psychological experimentation using suggestive words. As Gladwell proposed, it seems that we are often effected far more by first impressions and unconscious decisions that we previously assume (I'll come back to "snap judgment" some other time). "Priming" suggests that by reading materials containing certain words, such as "old", "aged", "death", we tune our minds to think towards that directions. In one experiment, subjects were separated into two groups, each group given a text containing 2 different categories of words. One category was of more negative suggestions: anxious, impatients, anger, and so on. The other category suggested the opposite: patients, peacefulness, negotiation, and so on. The subjects are then shown one by one towards a room down the hallway where one of their confederates (a placed subject) is talking to one of the experimentors by the door through which they were to enter. The experiment relies on how long it will take before these subjects interrupt the conversation of these two people. As it turned out, subjects from the negative word group were more likely to interrupt with less politeness around 5 minutes into their waiting. As for the subjects of the other group, they are likely to wait up to 10 minutes and the only reason they did not wait longer was because the experiment was limited to only 10 minutes in total (the subjects did not know). But this priming only works under the premises that we do not know we are being primed.

This concept of "priming" seems interesting for me at the moment. We all know, and acknowledge that it is important how we treat each other because our treatments of others can easily effect their reaction and our interactions. Yet, to what extent were we able, willing to understand that? Referring back to a conversation I had with Niko previously about masks, (which I perhaps will also discuss later), are masks truely masks, or are they necessities?

If "priming" is so important, then perhaps the people we hang around with become more important as well. If we are constantly around people who project towards us a negative view or negative languages, then no matter how they try to convince us otherwise later, it will be unconsciously impossible for us to understand / accept. If we are constantly under negative impression of ourselves, or negative "priming" of ourselves and our attitude towards others, then no matter how much we try to hide that it will flow out of our unconscious into every basic gesture we have and through that into other people's unconscious understanding.

Hence --> THINK POSITIVE!
(So, why are there still people asking me why I laugh all the time =.=)

Finnish names we adore!

Mikko
Matti
Lauri
Joonas
Jussi
Juhanni
Eero
Totte
Reima
Kalle
Liisa
Mika
Julius
Liisi
Mikeal
Tuomas
Heikki
Tukka
Niina
NIko
Paivi

Poem of the day

Some flowers are Red
Some flowers are Blue
Most guys are Straight
But I LOVE YOU!

--

by Frank to Reima
(p.s. sorry I stole it to my blog, but this is just too brilliant to let pass!)

Fisherman and the Fish

Tamas said yesterday how the phrase "Go Fishing" suits nicely with the idea of "relationships". I was wondering, if so, then who is the fish and who is the fisherman? The fish is always in a more passive position, with less power, with less decision. The fisherman is the one who choses the fish. Is that necessarily the best situation? So the Fisherman plays with the Fish until the Fish is tired, then the fisherman picks the fish up, checks the size / health / desirability, then throws it back into the water or the take-home bucket. At the end of the day, the Fisherman can have three or four sizable fishes, takes them home and eats them. The next day, the Fisherman is out again, fishing. The fish? Eaten, dead, gone, lost forever.

Certainly we can say that the Fish chose to take the bait. But then, if you think about it, the word bait contains the meaning of concealment. It's a trick, it's a way to make the fish believe that it is eatable and something good for itself. Then it's decieving the fish.

Sure, the Fish can drag the Fisherman into the sea. Yet, a Fisherman will either swim back or die in the water. Unless some fairy miracle happens and the Fisherman turns into also a fish or the fish turns also into a Fisherman, they will always be on a different side of the bank. Dryland and Wetland.

Or maybe, the fisherman can be nice and friendly and live in peace with the fish in harmony.

A Finnish Fairy Tale

Tribute to Melodie and Niko (aka.... "I" is not "me" =.=... yeah... I wish!)

--

Once upon a time, I met a little Finnish boy
With eyes of rainbow
Green, brown, and yellow
Like that of an angel, high and low
His hair was golden built for nightingales
Nested in was melodies of dreams
I laughed at this boy, the first we meet
Of his dazzling dizziness
Of his lost of orientation
Of his fogged views of life, behind the burning leaves
His words disordered, disordering but sweet
His tones lost, losting but in fantasies
His eyes glittered, glittering at me
We smiled and danced in the forest of evergreens
A wedding of tree elves, a wedding for him
All will come, from here to there
All will joing, from there to here
And dancing we go, towards the carpet red
Red against the deeping green, red like a shouting thing
So I stand, on the other side
On one side the little boy would grin
"I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!"
All the forest would sing in brightful glee
Me and my little Finnish boy
My little Finnish boy and me

--

"Nothing's impossible"
if you give things a try... Any dream can be

Cooking night!

Went in town to have lunch Johanna today. First I bought a pair of sandals downtown with Sisi. Really lovely, fits with my character quite well, I think. I should soon have a shoe party or something especially since I've successfully bought about two absolutely adorable shoes so far.

Had lovely lunch talk. I'll post my thoughts later about the talks.

Positivity: 9

Walked down to the sea-side and towards Hakaniemi after lunch. Talked about current situations in Europe / Germany. Talked about society, individualism, positivism, liberty. Everyone has the right to choice of their life / personality / ways to deal with life. But I still dispise people who constantly complains about how horrible life is and do nothing about it.

Talked also about reflection / self-reflection and experiments on self.

Positivity: 10

Went to Asian market to buy some vegetables because we decided to cook tonight at my place some nice simple food. Got 空心菜，山藥，綠豆，薏仁，秋葵，麵線...etc. simple food. Cooked vege with some soysauce and lemon juice. Root with orange and lemon juice. Okra with mayo. Noodles with corn and eggs. Light and fresh is the way to cook them. We had great fun eating the dinner and greater cooking them. It's the way I eat in Taiwan. Light with very little oil and even less salt. Tastes mostly comes from blending different types of vegetable with fruits. Quite healthy, I hope.

Showed Johanna all my pictures. Different POV of guys. Different sense of aesthetics.

Positivity: 9

Sleepy...

Scarpebook 1

She can't quite remember what was it that started her interest in him. For as far back as her memory allows, he's always been there, he's always been a part of her life. Flipping through pages of her thoughts, there were trace of him everywhere, in every corner she turned, every hour she passed, every bit of the past 21 years, he's been there, he's been everywhere and everyhere. Her hands folded over a small silver case laying against her chest as she stared into the cloudy ceiling. It's a reflection of her mood, cloudy like the winter sky of Helsinki. Those snowy darkened days when she was briefly passing there, briefly in the sense that she captured only the magical melanchony of the place, the glaring beauty. The dolls next to her blinked their eyes in reply as she dropped a loud sigh and a slighted sob to her side. The burden could not be lifted, though it all went as she planned it. This is how it should have been, this was what I had wanted, she pounded these words into her mind, but still could not relieve herself from the idea that... He's no longer there anymore. There is no longer the green pasture flying across his eyes, no lake that dances to his smiles, no Earl Grey, no little girls in pink dresses. Father promised to let me out today, she finally rolled over and turned herself to face the reality of the day. Next to her bed was an Urn decorated with a burnt rose. The rose smiled at her and bowed its head.

A moment of secrecy

The location gave a raw sense, like the nakedness of existence, like a person unclothed, unwashed, uncivilized. But then, she couldn't quite say what does it mean when she said uncivilized, she just knew that there is something distinctly different in this cave than what she felt of the mother's embrace outside. Out there, where the trees sheltered her from heat, where rain danced filling the world with life, she felt as if she was enclosed in the warmest embrace. Here, everything was cold, everything felt alone. The rocks clung to the floor, clawing at her feet, crying for someone to set them free, free from a million year of boredom. She was not bored, nor was she afraid, just curious at the different senses. Everything within her revolved, spinning around trying not to miss a single scent in this queerness.

There was as flash of light, it gave the same sensation as did in the last battle, the battle she did not want to remember, but cannot forget. For her kind, it was not right to feel the way she did, the color red evoking in her the sensation of ecstasy. She wanted more, entranced by the blazing light. It felt like as if everything within her danced to a tune long forgotten, like as if her body no longer is in her possession. The light wavered around her, coloring everything with red, everything felt warm, everything felt as if they all ignite her senses, they burn her, they overtake her.

Something melt against her. The light came closer and closer. She picked up a faint scent of something, of someone, it was one of them, one of the dreaded them. Yet, for some unknown reason she could not pull away, she did not want to pull away, instead, she moved forward, she reached out with her hands, she reached out with her mentality. The creature was not cold, not like the others had been, it was filled with such warmth, such embrace, such intensification. In no way was it hostil, instead, she felt the same feeling from it as did from every other living creature of the mother's womb. It was the sense of protection, the sense of caring, the sense of love. If she could remember love.

It was a comforting feeling, being here with it. It took away the coldness of the location, the rawness gone with the growing anticipation mounting all over its body. Every fiber seems to be escalating with some degree of extreme pleasure. She could not quite grasp what it was, but it was comforting, smooth to her mental understanding. She forgot who she was, and just let the sensation flow across her brain and every cell of her body. It felt as if she was becoming also a part of this blazing red, a part of something more transcendental. Her mind floated against a space unknown, somewhere not one of her kind had ever travelled to before, some place forbidden. The sudden warning of forbidden flashed against the edge of her thought, but the tight hold of it, a gentle sound of protections, a tone which sounded so different from any she's heard before, like her father once speaking to her, the tone alone gave her courage. Under its shelter, its protection, she let her mentality glow. It expanded in a degree never before, it folded and refolded itself upon its mentality. They are not so different, she and it, as their minds merge and their bodies melt together. Somewhere she lost the sense of who is who, what is what. The blazing light, herself, itself, redness, location, nothing existed quite anymore. Its memory poured into her cells, and hers into its and in this sense, they became one, she took it into herself.

From this a new race was designed. She willed it to be like her, only greater. It willed it to have its instincts, only greater.

If there is an Eden of the time. This Adam, this Eve, their forbidden fruit tasted, started something more renewed. They once told people of Earth to avoid playing Gods, they were right, nature will have its tolls, and nature will bring its laws with its own creation.