June 29, 2007

Almost past my month. Today was a lovely day filled with mindless thoughts. Why do I spend so much time doing nothing when I should be doing something? This, I often wonder at myself. Me and my dreadfully lazy self, the self that sits for hours playing games online and browsing websites. Not been in the website browsing mood lately, however, I should pick it up again. It's a frightening world, indeed, but information is information. The more the better, the deeper the greater.

Part of this original brain has come to a dead-stop, not the first time, and not the last time. It's like as if it demands some rest, although this time, time simply will not allow it. The physical body demands action, too much action, so much that the brain, if not able to fulfill it, will be conquered by this rising desire.

A lot of thoughts are running in my mind and I am constantly wondering if it will clear up. Perhaps a few books more will help it clear itself. There was a line from a msn contact: Great mind discuss ideas, average mind discuss events and weak mind discuss people. My mentor(s) say: Spend the time doing something, instead of worrying about the people who doesn't matter at all.

A friend of mine mentioned something about self-refusal, and acceptance of the past self, thoughts of the future self. I always liked to think of my future as being more successful than now, yet, I always feel, when looking back, that I only become less and less successful. Maybe that's too much unnecessary thinking, indeed. Think about ideas, girl! You want to be a great mind, no?

The rains fell side-ways today. Had an umbrella with me, but still, it showered into my body. Wasn't a very successful shower, however, only partially got me. One of those days when your determination to do something can be truly defined. If you are determined, you'd accomplish anything. If not, well, there's never the consideration of if not. Do or do not, there is no try.

Mother asked... maybe it's your ears that makes you so insecure and so unconfident. Wouldn't want to think of it, but maybe. Maybe it's the ears that makes me so ambitious and wanting, maybe. Ambition, a very wicked thing. It's the one thing that might make one great, but it is also the thing that will keep Gates lonely. The competitive genes are in our body, given by mother nature, and will never go away, not one step of the day.

All my friends are so amazing, everyone I meet are amazing... what to do with this ambition?

We can but endure it.

Work. I love it. I seriously do. I love the feeling of not being allowed to rest because there are too much either work or fun or whatever to do. Time is so scarce. We only live so long. Maybe I shouldn't say it's work that I love, but that I love to be doing something productive, something nice, something lasting, something... that ends up in something. It's far too fascinating, that exciting sensation, the feeling of speed, of everything.